


Yesterday is Gone

by BoxedWine



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Comfort/Angst, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-15 04:09:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 29,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15404655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoxedWine/pseuds/BoxedWine
Summary: You have the ability to time travel, but not the ability to control it. Intense emotions trigger your events. So what happens when the Avengers take you in and you meet Bucky Barnes? And why does he seem to know you?(set after Civil War, but there was no split over the Accords. Avengers are still together)*For non-fans of smut, I've set it up so those parts can be easily skipped without losing the plot.





	1. No Control

I’m hunched down behind a shiny car looking at Tony Stark as he tinkers with some sort of metal object at his desk. He’s speaking to a disembodied voice he calls Jarvis. He looks younger than he did a minute ago when I was talking to him at the Avengers compound in upstate New York. How far back did I go? Where am I this time?

I edge around the car to get a closer look when a strawberry blonde walks into the room.

“I thought you said you were done making weapons,” she says, her eyes narrowing.

“This is a flight stabilizer. It’s completely harmless,” Tony replies, right before he flies backward full force. 

“I didn’t expect that,” he mumbles from the floor.

*** 

And then I’m back, sitting on a stool, staring at Tony. His eyes are wide and he’s clearly waiting for an explanation.

“I think I just watched you make the first Iron Man suit. Well, not the first, because you were in a cave when you did that, right? But you didn’t seem to really know how to work it, and…”

Tony puts up a hand to stop you. “How long were you there?”

“I don’t know. Maybe ten minutes,” I reply. “I’m really nervous about being here, meeting you. Sorry. I didn't mean to--”

“No, no. That’s fine. I mean, you just closed your eyes and sat there not moving. It wasn’t that long, though. A couple minutes maybe, but you didn’t go anywhere.”

“It’s always been that way,” I shrug. “Time in the present moves slower...or maybe the time in the past moves faster. And it’s like I lapse into a coma in the present or something. Like I’ve been telling you. I don’t understand it. I can’t even control it. It only happened, I guess, because, well, meeting you is a little nerve-wracking.”

***

Tony already knows the rest of the details. That this started when I was 12, but happened very infrequently. That I was diagnosed as having seizures, even though the EEGs didn’t support that decision. And that the first couple times, I tried to explain what I’d seen to my parents and the doctors, but they thought I was hallucinating or having auras. The doctors seemed annoyed because I was messing up their diagnosis. So I kept it to myself. I didn’t tell them that when they thought my uncle’s heart attack at a family picnic triggered a seizure, that I actually found myself watching him and my mom argue over the television as children. Nor did I tell them that the seizure I had after my parents told me they were getting divorced was actually me watching my parents go on their first date, smiling at each other in line for movie tickets in a way I had never seen them look at each other during my lifetime. 

Once I figured out that strong emotions, negative ones, triggered these time travel events, I did my best to avoid situations that might cause one. Not real easy to do during the ordeal that is high school and being a teenager. But I kept a low profile, a few friends, and didn’t date.

My first boyfriend was in college. When he abruptly dumped me for the girl he’d been cheating with, I got so upset that the next thing I knew, I was watching him smoke his first cigarette in the woods behind his house. When I came back, he was squeezing my shoulders in the middle of the quad, as a gathering crowd yelled bad advice -- bad for seizures AND time travel. NEVER put something in the mouth of someone having a seizure, for God’s sake -- and 911 was on the way.

In the years since, I don’t date. I stick to the occasional hookup, pretend for a few hours that I am not as lonely as I am, and move on because it’s safer that way. 

I did pretty well until some guy tried to drag me into an alley as I was walking home. He pushed me into the wall and pressed himself up against me. I could feel the sheer fear causing me to separate from the here and now as another man pulled him away and punched him in the face. 

“Are you okay, ma’am?” the tall, muscular blond asked me as he held my attacker by the shirt collar. I tried to answer but I was slipping away too quickly. I found myself standing in a hallway of a building I didn’t recognize, right as the same blond man rounded the corner. He startled as he saw me.

“Who are you? How did you get in here? This is a restricted area.” 

I think the fear on my face is why he sounded more confused than angry. He set what looked like a shield against the wall as he approached me. I was paralyzed with fear. I had always been fortunate enough to remain unnoticed before, afraid to interfere or try to communicate. But this man was looking right at me. And I was looking right at him, or rather the star emblazoned on his chest. 

I was face to face with Captain America.

And that’s how I ended up in front of Iron Man.


	2. Being Discreet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to meet the residents of the compound.

When I found myself in the alley again, Captain America, or Steve as I now call him, was supporting me against the wall, looking very concerned. My assailant was lying on the ground under his foot, not even trying to escape anymore. 

I sank to the ground. Steve kneeled in front of me placing a single hand on the chest of his captive, who continued to just lie there unmoving. Apparently he’d already discovered it was fruitless. Steve was giving me a very strange look, as I leaned my head back against the cement wall. I gave him a once over in his street clothes, compared to the uniform I saw him in a few moments ago.

“You’re the woman I saw at the compound last year. You ran around the corner and disappeared. Who are you?” He looked like he was contemplating whether he should be restraining me the same way he was restraining the attacker.

“It’s kind of a long story,” I said as I grasped the wall to return to standing.

“Let’s deal with this guy first. Then I have time,” Steve replied.

***

Clint Barton is sitting across the table from me, while Steve throws some lunch together. 

“You know, we looked for you everywhere. One minute, you’re on camera and the next, poof. Just gone.” Clint takes a bite of his banana. “Tony was really cranky about that little glitch in security.”

I laugh a small laugh. “Yeah, sorry about that. I think we’re cool now that we’ve talked.”

“Oh no it’s fine. Tony with a bug up his ass is always good for a little entertainment.”

“Speak for yourself,” Steve replies as he sets a sandwich in front of me. “You get to go home when he gets to be too much.”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Tony booms from the doorway. “Do I make you feel aggravated while you enjoy your top-of-the-line luxury accommodations here, for which you pay ZERO, yes, zero, in rent? Please accept my humble ap--”

“See, this is what I’m talking about,” Clint says as he takes the last bite of banana. “Time for me to head out.” He laughs as he leaves the room. 

Tony turns to me. “Spangles showed you to your room, correct? And introduced you to FRIDAY?”

“He did. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you letting me stay here while we figure this out,” I say.

“Did you hear that?” Tony turns to Steve. “She said thank you. You know, it wouldn’t kill the rest of you, just once in a while, to say that.”

Steve places a hand on Tony’s shoulder and looks him in the face with as serious an expression as he can muster. “Thank you, Tony. Thank you for your service.” Steve turns to me. “Now let’s go meet the rest of the ungrateful crew.” 

***

Wanda seems like someone I could get along with. Sam has me laughing in minutes. Vision is going to take some getting used to. And Natasha, though she smiles at me, also makes me kind of nervous. I’ve seen them all on television, but meeting them in person is pretty surreal.

Wanda and Vision live at the compound full-time, but Sam and Natasha come and go as their personal lives dictate. I get the sense that Sam is a pretty open book, but God only knows where Natasha goes. 

“So Thor is only here occasionally and Dr. Banner is at a conference. He’s still settling in himself as he’s been...away for a while. He’ll be back this weekend and then he can do a workup on you like we talked about. I’ll introduce you to Pepper next time she comes by.” Steve pauses and appears to be contemplating something. “There’s one more person you should meet today, but we really need you to be discreet about this.”

“I feel like living with the Avengers already requires a pretty high level of discretion,” I laugh. “What other secrets could you be hiding?” I follow Steve down a spacious hallway until we reach the elevator. He hits the main floor where we exit and make our way across the grounds to another building.

“Oh hell. I’m not sure I want to know what you guys might be hiding over here,” I’m sort of joking. But only a little.

“This is the shooting range,” Steve says as he pulls the heavy door open.

“I’m pretty sure it’s assumed by the general public that you guys have one of these.” Clearly I make dumb jokes when I’m nervous.

Steve smiles. “One would hope. But I’m talking about the guy inside.”

We both walk up to the window and peer through the bullet proof glass. There’s a man inside with a genuinely absurd amount of weaponry spread out before him and he’s methodically working his way through the selection. But it’s not the amount of weaponry that strikes me so much as the targets spread out all over the course. This guy nails the bullseye on every shot, no matter the distance or size of the target. 

“Holy crap,” I mutter. “Does he give lessons?”

Steve chuckles. “Maybe. If you ask nicely.” 

The man inside sets down the weapon I am referring to in my head as “big ass gun number one.” He picks up “big ass gun number two” as Steve taps on the glass loudly. I don’t expect the man to hear Steve as he has ear protection on, but he turns around anyway. I suck in a deep breath because I recognize him from television. Nobody knows where he is, but various government agencies are looking. His life story is fiercely debated all over social media and talk shows, and people have firmly divided themselves into camps of support versus wanting to see him in prison. His photo was in my high school history book, or at least it was at one time. Most of the textbook photos of him had been ripped out over the years by crushing teenagers.

The United States government doesn’t know where Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes is, but now I do.


	3. Man With A Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll, but I can't promise I can keep up this posting pace. Thanks to the people who have already left kudos! The encouragement is awesome.
> 
> I'm figuring out how and if I want to address the Accords issue, since the team didn't split, but the UN bombing did occur in my story.

Steve notices your reaction. “You recognize him?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, even before the UN bomb-- er, incident, he was a pretty popular historical figure. Pretty much the only reason some of us showed up to history class. I’m pretty sure we had girls, and even some guys, who weren’t even in the class show up the day our teacher showed that Howling Commandos documentary from the History Channel.”

Steve is smirking at me and I realize just how ridiculous I sound.

“Kids these days sure are committed to learning,” he says trying to suppress his smile. “I’m glad to hear Bucky is so popular and that ladies today are still as appreciative of his contributions to society as they were when we were growing up.” He shakes his head, but I can tell he’s actually really pleased to hear this about Bucky, even if it’s not exactly for the reasons he might have hoped.   
“So I take it that means you sort of know where things stand with him. We’re working out a deal for him so he doesn’t have to hide anymore. I know the public is split on the issue, but I hope you can understand that what he did all those years wasn’t him,” Steve says, taking a serious tone.

“Oh, don’t worry. Ever since the details of what HYDRA did to him leaked on the Internet, I’ve been 100 percent hashtag team Bucky,” I say crossing my arms.

“Hashtag what?”

Before I can reply, the door flies open and Bucky strides through. Damn. The textbooks don’t do him justice.

“Hey Steve, what’s --” Bucky sees me and stops. He’s staring at me unblinking with a look of utter shock. He glances to Steve as if he’s awaiting an explanation, but Steve looks just as confused.

“What’s wrong, Buck?” Steve asks, looking at me as if I have any clue why I would render the former Winter Soldier speechless. 

Bucky takes a step back. “Jesus Christ, Steve. She was…” He stops and looks back at me. “It’s you, right? You were there?”

“Where? What do you mean? I don’t understand what’s going on,” I whisper, feeling panic overwhelm me. I suck in deep breaths and will the stressed feeling away. I cannot travel right now. I need to know know what’s going on.

“You were with HYDRA,” Bucky says to me as if there is no room for argument.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” I snap.

“Bucky, no. There’s no way. Tony already ran background checks on her. So far everything is coming back legit,” Steve argues.

Bucky doesn’t seem to be listening to Steve. He’s still staring at me, but he doesn’t look angry. He looks almost wistful. 

“I’m taking her back to her room,” Steve tells Bucky. “Come find me as soon as you get all this cleaned up so we can figure this out.” Bucky stares after us open-mouthed as we walk away.

Steve grabs my arm and leads me out the door. “I’m not HYDRA. You know that right? This is crazy,” I say stumbling to keep up with his pace.

“We’ll get it figured out,” he assures me. “Bucky has been through a lot. They messed with his head really badly. Don’t worry.”

We reach my room and FRIDAY lets me in. Steve hovers in the door for a moment before he leaves. “Seriously, don’t worry. I’ll go get this sorted out. See you at dinner.”

Then he’s gone and I’m left huddled on the window seat, hoping that coming here wasn’t a huge mistake.

***

“I’m telling you I don’t know who she was or why she was there. But I remember her,” Bucky insists.

“What did she do? Did she have a job? Did she hurt you?” Steve asks.

“No, it wasn’t like that. I don’t know. Sometimes I thought maybe she was a prisoner, too. Or a family member of a HYDRA official. She was able to access areas that were restricted. She was just there. I never knew why.”

Steve has the distinct feeling Bucky isn’t telling him everything.

Tony clears his throat. He’s been uncharacteristically quiet up to now, probably because he and Bucky usually try to steer clear of one another. 

“Well, I see two possibilities because I have checked the hell out of her story and there’s no way she was ever involved with HYDRA. Not to mention, some of your memories of her appear to date back to before she was even alive,” Tony says. “She’s either not who you think she is, or this is related to her talent.”

“Her talent? What is her talent?” Bucky raises his eyebrows. 

“Time travel,” Tony replies. “She has incidents in which she travels back in time. It’s triggered by emotional responses and involves the people around her at the moment she has that response.”

Bucky leans his head back on the chair and looks at Steve. “I remember the good old days when you were the strangest thing I’d ever dealt with.”

Tony snorts. “He’s still the strangest thing I’ve ever dealt with. But it looks like you and our girl have some story left to tell.”

“But aren’t all her events triggered by negative incidents?” Steve turns to Bucky looking perplexed. “I mean, you said she never did anything bad to you, right? There’s no animosity or anything? No reason for you to start a fight with her?”

“No, no. Not at all. She was...fine. She definitely never was part of torturing me or anything. At least nothing that I remember. And based on what I can remember, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t there to hurt me. I just remember seeing her. That’s all. I don’t want to hurt her.”

Steve still thinks Bucky is holding something back, but decides not to push it. 

“Well we know stress can trigger her events, so maybe for now don’t tell her you think she’s been popping up in your life for the past 70 years. That alone might trigger something and we know she can’t control it,” Tony says. “Maybe for now it’s best to chalk it up to mistaken identity. For all we know, that’s what it is.”

“Isn’t.” Bucky mutters.

“Whatever. Let’s not go accidentally sending her into battle in World War II tonight either way,” Tony retorts.

“Fine.”


	4. Dinner Conversation

There’s a knock at my door. I open it, fully expecting it to be Steve, but when I see Bucky I flinch and step back. I can see in his face that he immediately feels bad. 

“Listen,” he says. “I’m so sorry about earlier. Steve says you already know the gist of what happened to me so please let me apologize. I was confused. I guess you just remind of someone else.”

I’m surprised by the turn of events. He seemed so certain he knew me at the range, but I’m relieved beyond belief. 

“It’s okay. I totally get it,” I say. “I’m just glad everything is okay. I just quit my job to come here and the thought that you guys might start thinking I’m HYDRA...well, I was little freaked out I wouldn’t be able to stay. Or that you’d lock me up.”

Bucky is looking at me closely, like he’s still trying to figure something out. “No, you’re welcome to stay. I know what it’s like to be out there alone trying to figure out why you’re different from everyone else,” he says quietly.

I feel my heart twinge. This dude towers over me and is more than capable of taking care of himself, and yet I feel the compulsion to hug him and comfort him. I don’t because that would just be weird, right?

“Anyway, I told Steve I wanted to come clear the air and tell you dinner is almost ready. Wanda made it, so it’ll actually be good tonight,” Bucky says, offering a tentative smile.

“Great! I’m starving!” We start walking toward the common area. I can see him sneaking glances at me out of the corner of my eye. I wonder if he’s truly convinced I’m not the girl he knew.

***  
Dinner is Wanda, Steve, Bucky, Sam, Vision and me. Vision doesn’t eat, but I get the impression he’s a big fan of the chef. When I ask where Tony is, everyone shifts awkwardly, Bucky stares at his plate, and Steve says he’s busy in his workshop. There’s clearly more to this story, but I sense not to ask.

Sam does most of the talking at dinner, and the rest of us do a lot of laughing. Even Bucky, who seems more reserved, lets out a few loud guffaws. To be honest, some of the others shoot him surprised looks, as if this isn’t typical of him.

Sam is telling some story about the three guys riding around in a tiny Volkswagen. Bucky keeps rolling his eyes, but I can tell he’s hiding a smile. Steve is insisting he drove the hell out of that car, in spite of Sam’s claims to the contrary.

“Yeah, well Man Bun here and I know different. You almost drove us into the wall of that parking garage!” Sam insists.

Bucky is laughing and shaking his head as he looks down at his lap. I take the opportunity to look more closely at him. At first I’m reflecting on what it must be like to have been through what he has, but then I move on to the fact that while I’m not normally a fan of man buns, his is...really hot.

“Seconds?” Vision interrupts me. 

I nod and thank him as he scoops more food on my plate. I’m hesitant to start a conversation with him as the meal started out with him discussing the molecular makeup of paprika.

Sam, however, veers the conversation in another direction and I find myself sharing the details of my time traveling ability, or curse, depending on how you look at it.

“So you only go into the past, never the future?” Sam asks.

“So far,” I say. “And wherever I go is tied to someone involved in the stressful event. Usually it’s the person directly causing the stress, but sometimes it’s someone who happens to be there. Like with Steve. Thank God. Not sure I would have enjoyed a trip to the past with a guy dragging me into an alley.”

Bucky’s head jerks up at the mention of your attacker. There’s a flash of anger on his face, but then his usual resting murder face returns.

“So what’s Tony’s plan here? To figure you out? Find out how it works?” Sam asks.

“Yeah, he said Dr. Banner will run some tests to try and find out if there’s something biologically different about me. And he thought maybe it was possible for me to learn to control it. He actually thought you might be able to help with that,” I say as I turn and look at Wanda. 

She nods. “We talked and I have some thoughts on it.”

Sam got excited. “Maybe you can learn to go forward in time! Tell me if I end up married to Lupita Nyong’o.”

“Yeah, let’s focus on controlling what I already do.” I snorted.

“Besides, I can already answer that question,” Tony says, appearing in the doorway. “No way could you get Lupita Nyong’o.”

Sam gives him a dirty look, while everyone else laughs. Except for Bucky. He stiffens in his seat.

“No only do we need to figure out control, but we need to consider whether your trips to the past carry the risk of changing future events,” Tony continues.

“Have you ever changed anything?” Wanda asks.

“I don’t think so. I’ve always been lucky that I’ve gone unnoticed or been able to hide since I’ve never spent more than a few minutes anywhere,” I say. “Except for when Steve saw me, that is.”

“Really? All your trips have been that short?” Bucky looks perplexed. 

“Yep. And I’ve never returned to nuclear annihilation or the aftermath of a presidential assassination so I guess I’m doing okay with not messing things up,” I say lightly.

“I think the strangest thing is, and I’m no scientist--” Sam stops speaking for a moment when Bucky snorts. “But when you travel, your body is still here. So you aren’t just traveling to another place and time. It’s like there are two of you. Not like in the “Back to the Future” finding yourself at a different age sort of two of you, but like you stay here and go THERE. I mean I know there are a lot of different theories about time travel, but that just seems weird.”

“More or less weird than thinking Lupita would ever give you the time of day?” 

“Man, shut the hell up, Tony.”

“Answers for another day,” Steve interrupts. “Wanda, didn’t you say you made dessert? Something Sokovian?”

“Indeed she did,” says Vision. “But not Sokovian. It’s a Croatian dish called povitica, a sweet yeast bread roll with moist walnut filling. Did you know that Louis Pasteur discovered the fermentation process of yeast in 1857--”

The rest is drowned out by a collective groan from the group.


	5. Not Alone Anymore

After dinner, I take a walk around the grounds of the compound and try to process how my life changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. Just a few days ago I was working in a cubicle, drinking probably a few too many bottles of wine each week with dinner, and now I’m here with hope for answers and people who won’t think I’m a freak for what I can do. I feel like maybe I can really have friends for once. I’ve always kept a few people around that I’m close to, but I never forget what a huge secret I’m keeping or the fear that close relationships can trigger an event I may not be able to explain one day.

There’s a small lake off to the side of the property and I sit at the edge, lost in thought, until I hear footsteps crunching behind me. I glance back and see Bucky heading towards me, obviously walking more loudly than necessary so as not to scare me.

“Hey,” he says sounding a bit nervous. “I don’t want to bug you, I just saw you walking off and wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

I pat the ground next to me. “Oh, I’m fine. Honestly, this is the best I’ve felt in a while. Whether we get answers or not, I can’t begin to explain how good it feels to be able to talk about what I do with not just one but several people.”

“It’s pretty amazing. I have a feeling you are going to do a great job at learning to control it with Wanda’s help.” Bucky smiles. It’s a really nice smile.

“You think so? I hope, but I’ve been doing this for a while now without any improvement, so we’ll see.”

“Wanda’s helped me a bit with my nightmares and panic attacks, so I can vouch for her. And I spent some time in Wakanda after that whole thing at the UN getting my brain back, so, yeah. I think you can do this.” Bucky runs his hands through his hair and lies back on the ground.

“Wow. Wakanda, huh? Man, haven’t they turned out to be full of surprises lately.” I laugh.

He turns his head. “Yeah, it was quite a contrast to my time hiding in Bucharest.”

“When was that? After the UN?”

“No, no, Steve actually found me a couple years before all that but I was still too messed up, so when I got away from HYDRA after that whole DC ordeal, you know with Alexander Pierce, I took off while I tried to figure out who I was and what the hell happened to me. Then the UN thing happened, Steve found me again, and here we are.”

“Listen, not to sound trite or anything, but...ugh...I hope it’s okay to say this. I read some of the stuff that leaked on the web about the Winter Soldier program and what they did to you, so I just hope you know that I don’t believe you are to blame for any of the crap they made you do. You deserve to be able to live a life now that you’re free,” I say in a rush.

I’m not sure if I’m imagining it, but I could swear he tears up a little. Then he clears his throat, closes his eyes and says, “Thank you. It’s not trite. I need the reminder sometimes that not everyone sees me as evil. I have a hard enough time believing it myself.”

I’m surprised he’s opening up to me so much. Steve had taken me aside earlier and told me he can be distant and slow to warm up to people and not to take it personally or think it had to do with the whole HYDRA mistaken identity. I did not expect him to talk to me this much this soon. I’m thinking about this as I stare out over the lake, but once again, I can see him sneaking glances at me out of the corner of my eye.

“So what do you guys do around the compound for fun at night?” I ask.

“Well, I’ve been working my way through 70 years of pop culture and history I missed,” Bucky replies. “Lots of reading and Netflix.”

“Binging anything good?”

“Well I’m not exactly going in order so I’ve been watching “Parks & Recreation” and “The Donna Reed Show.”

I bust out laughing. “Donna Reed versus Leslie Knope. That’s a pretty good crash course in the women’s movement.”

He smiles again. Damn him. I am not developing a crush. I am not.

“I’m probably gonna watch a movie or something tonight if you want to join me. I mean, you don’t have to, just if you don’t have anything else to do. You’re probably busy, so I --”

“I’m not busy, Bucky. Let’s go watch a movie.”

***

I’m lying in bed, but can’t sleep. We watched “Towering Inferno,” my favorite 70s movie, but I could barely pay attention because I kept sneaking peeks at Bucky. He was really into the film and his expression when concentrating was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. Sam watched part of it with us, but before he headed off to do his own thing, I know he caught me looking at Bucky a few times because he gave me a knowing smirk. At one point I got up to get a drink, and as he passed me in the kitchen, he whispered, “It was weeks before he asked any of us to watch TV with him.” He wandered off before I could respond.

I finally drift off while trying to think of an excuse to hang out with him tomorrow. I feel drawn to him, to get to know him better. Maybe I really will ask for shooting lessons. It will have to wait though. Wanda and I are getting together first thing in the morning to start working on my control.


	6. I Need to Know

“It’s not working. I can’t make myself do it. I need something to trigger me,” I whine with frustration after half an hour of Wanda being inside my head taking an inventory of my emotional reactions as we discuss the good and bad experiences of my life.

Wanda sighs. “I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that. I’m hesitant to trigger something before we can explore any kind of control. And given my past, I’m really not sure I want to be the one to trigger you. You could end up face-to-face with Ultron or something like that. I think we should start with reflecting on a negative memory and see what happens. I’ll work on elevating the emotions you experience. That way you are controlling the environment you are potentially returning to. If you start to separate, I’ll step in and try to help you stop it.”

Forty-five minutes later, my face is tear-streaked from reliving my grandmother’s death and funeral, but I haven’t felt that familiar sense of dissociation settle over me. 

“Fuck this. It’s not going to work,” I snap.  
The door bursts open and Natasha strides right up to me. “How about you quit bitching and focus. You can do this. You just don’t want to!” She’s right in my face and I feel my pulse speed up with anger. “We didn’t bring you here to listen to you whine!” Natasha continues. “Either do this or go back home!”

My fists clench and I open my mouth to snap back, but the words don’t come as I feel myself separating. I immediately feel Wanda in my head. “Hang on,” she says. “Focus on the now. Picture this room and push the anger down.”

I try to follow her instructions. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like I’m floating and seeing two images before me. One is Wanda staring desperately into my face with her hands on each side of my head, with Natasha staring wide-eyed behind her. The other is a room with a mirror and a ballet barre. There is a young girl performing a pirouette, feet bleeding through her shoes. She spins towards me, a young but familiar face, framed by red hair. Then she’s gone and I’m standing in the training room with only Wanda and an adult Natasha in front of me.

“Holy crap,” I gasp. “That was weird.”

“What did you see?” Natasha asked. 

“You were a ballerina as a child?”

Natasha snorts. “Not precisely, but...wow. The Red Room? Interesting.”

“What’s the Red--”

Wanda unintentionally interrupts me with her excitement. “This is good though! You weren’t fully gone. I could tell you were still here in the present, aware, and it was you that brought yourself back. I felt it.”

“Really? I mean I kind of felt like I was guiding myself back, but I was so confused, watching two scenes unfold at once.” I turn to Natasha. “You there. Nice one.”

“Sorry. I have a tendency to get focused on the goal and achieving it no matter what,” she replies.

“Honestly, it’s fine. Worth the result.”

***

Wanda and I agree to train again the next day, and after a shower, I wander back to the common area, secretly hopeful Bucky will be around. Tony and Steve are glued to the television and Steve looks extremely stressed.

I glance at the screen and I’m shocked to see an old, low quality photo of Bucky taken during his Zemo-induced rampage in Berlin.

“Oh, my God! Do they know he’s here?” I clap my hand over my mouth.

Steve turns. “No. They still don’t know where he is but someone has dumped more information about the Winter Soldier program into the public view and it’s making waves everywhere.”

My stomach clenches. “What did they find? Something else he did?”

“No, it’s video footage HYDRA took over the years of him being tortured and trained. This stuff all got dumped after DC, but some of it was still difficult to find and hack for the average person. Apparently someone decided to take care of that,” Steve replies.

Tony hums. “You know, this could be a good thing. Sway public opinion in his favor. They’ll march on Washington with signs that say ‘Free the Tin Man’.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “I’m inclined to agree, but Bucky’s had a hard enough time getting himself back together without this being rehashed in the public domain. He doesn’t need to see himself tortured on every news channel or know that he’s trending on Twitter.”

“Well look at you, figuring out what trending and Twitter are!”

“Tony, I wasn’t thawed yesterday. Can you take this seriously, please?”

“We need to tell him before he sees it,” I interrupt. 

“Agreed,” Tony says. “And I think you two are right for the job.”

“Me?!”

“Yes, you,” replies Tony. “ He seems to have taken a liking to you in a fraction of the time it took him to even say hello to anyone else. Did you know he was watching you with Wanda today? There’s a two-way mirror and an observation room.”

“Uh, I’m sorry, there’s a what now?” I almost drop my drink.

“Don’t worry. He told Steve you did great,” Tony claps me on the shoulder as he leaves the room and heads back to his workshop.

“He really did say that,” Steve tells me with a smile. “And I do think it’s a good idea for you to come. He seems more comfortable around you. I noticed it at dinner last night.”

“Okay, sure.”

***

Bucky takes it better than I think either of us expected and agrees that he should avoid all news outlets. He already thinks social media is stupid and, frankly, what would a former assassin in hiding do on it anyway, so that’s not a problem. 

“So Netflix it is!” I say, trying to be as cheerful as I can.

“I only have one season of ‘Parks and Recreation left’ if you’re interested?” he says to me.

“I love the final season! Let’s do this!” I reply and we head to the television. 

I ponder where to sit and finally take the couch which has the best position to see. I expect he will take the recliner like he did the night before, but instead he joins me on the couch, more to the center than the opposite side. He kicks off his black boots and puts his socked feet on the table. When he catches me looking at his feet, he laughs and says, “Sorry. Clint is rubbing off on me. Bad manners.”

“No, get comfortable.” I also place my feet on the table and smile at him. Halfway through the first episode, I feel him subtly shift closer to me. 

***  
Three episodes later, Steve asks Bucky to come help him with something and he heads off apologetically.

I head to my room with plans to read, but when I get there, I find myself opening the laptop I brought from home. Before I know it, I’m on the CNN home page. There are links to some of the HYDRA videos of Bucky. All of them carry warnings for graphic content. I know on some level that this is a terrible idea, but I need to know.

I click the first link.


	7. Offering Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of watching the videos.

I feel bile rising in the back of my throat immediately. This particular video looks very old, as if it has been transferred from a film strip. As soon as I see Bucky, I realize this must be from the very early days of his capture. His hair is short and he still has a slender build. Actually, he’s really skinny, the closer I look, as if he’s not being fed properly. He’s dragged into the room by two guards with one holding his right arm and the other gripping his hair. What’s left of his left arm is wrapped in dirty bandages. Tears fill my eyes. He struggles against them. They start to beat him brutally. His face turns in the direction of the camera and, though there is no sound, on his lips I can read the word “Mom!” I close out the tab and take deep breaths.

I select another video. The video still is a shot of him and looks like it was taken much later. His hair is long and his frame is bulkier. The metal arm is visible. When I push play, two guards are strapping him into a chair, while metal plates attach to his head. This video has sound and he begins to scream blood curdling cries of pain and anguish. I I close the video and vomit in my trashcan. 

A familiar sensation begins to settle over me. Oh no no no. I try to focus on staying the way I did with Wanda but I’m so devastated by what I’ve just seen I can’t hang on. I’m now in a musty, dark concrete corridor lit only by bare bulbs hanging from the ceiling. I cautiously make my way to the corner where I hear clanging and heavy thumps. When I peer around it, I see three people before me, all with their backs facing my direction. Two are HYDRA guards and the third is Bucky in his Winter Soldier garb. He’s pulling weapons from the lockers and seems to be preparing for a mission as the guards chat with each other in Russian. I’m slowly backing up when I hear shouting behind me. Another guard is yelling and gesturing at me from the opposite end of the hall. I hear Bucky’s guards start running toward me from the other end. Shit. Shit. I’m cornered with nowhere to go. The guards are all yelling at me but I don’t know what they are telling me to do. Bucky has yet to appear. I guess domestic disturbances aren’t his concern.

Then comes the ear-shattering boom. One of the guards has fired. The bullet hits me right in the chest and passes through into one of the other guards. I start to scream and clutch at my chest, but all I hear is silence. Where is the blood? Why don’t I feel anything? I look up and the two remaining guards are just staring at me.

“Help me! Please!” My mouth is moving but nothing is coming out. The guards don’t move, just continue to stand there looking terrified.

And then I’m on the floor of my room at the compound. I rip off my shirt and run to the mirror. There is no sign of a bullet, blood or injury. I curl up on the bathroom rug and cry.

***

“Astral projection!” Wanda exclaims. “That is why your body is still here and why they can’t hear you or make physical contact.”

I just nod. I’m exhausted, having gotten no sleep. Her theory makes sense, but the videos played over and over in my head all night long, as well as the memory of thinking I’d been shot. I don’t have the energy to analyze the situation right now.

“Does Bucky know about this yet?” asks Natasha.

“No. I don’t want to upset him. What if he gets mad that I watched the videos? It was so stupid. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what I thought it would accomplish-- that they would show me that what he went through wasn’t as bad as I imagined? No, it was worse.” I sigh and put my head in my hands.

“But he didn’t see you?”

“No, he definitely didn’t see me.”

***

I’m too distraught and tired to accomplish much with Wanda, so we cut our session short and I head back to the kitchen. Bucky is sitting at the counter with two cups of coffee like he was waiting for me. He pushes one my way. He keeps his face neutral, but I realize immediately what has happened.

“You were watching again weren’t you?” I say, feeling shame course through my body.

“Sit. Drink,” he says calmly.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I take the seat next to him.

“Don’t be. I’m not angry with you. I’m just sorry it upset you so much. I am curious as to what exactly astral projection is.”

“It’s an out-of-body experience. Like your soul or consciousness separates from your body and can travel through the universe. And time, apparently. My physical body stays behind.” I sip my coffee.

Bucky looks really confused. “So, like, you can’t be hurt because you can’t be touched? You aren’t really there?”

“Not physically, no.”

Bucky doesn’t appear to like this explanation.

“You don’t think it’s astral projection?” I ask.

“I mean, I don’t know what it is, I guess I’m just- I have no idea really. It’s just strange. I feel like there’s more to it.” He looks lost in thought for a few minutes, but doesn’t expound on his theory.

I just stare into my coffee and fight the urge to crawl back into bed. I feel too damn shitty to push him on the subject.

He abruptly pulls me into a hug. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “I hate that the videos and your episode hurt you so much.”

I look up at him flabbergasted. “You're comforting me? You lived that for 70 years, Bucky. I couldn’t bear to watch for five minutes. No, I’m the one that’s sorry. You deserved better then, and you deserve better now.”

He pulls me back into a hug. He smells really good, like a combination of body wash and cologne. He presses a gentle kiss to the top of my head. I’m shocked, but I don’t want him to let go. Ever. Unfortunately he does eventually, but at least he follows that up with an invitation to watch a couple more episodes of Parks & Rec before he meets Steve for training. 

This time he sits right next to me on the couch. After a few minutes, I rest my head on his shoulder and he puts his arm around me. We watch in peaceful silence between bursts of laughter.


	8. Maybe I Should Turn Myself In

I spend the next week focusing on my training with Wanda and Natasha, who also start teaching me some basic fighting moves, and watching movies with Bucky. Steve and Sam join us from time to time and I can tell both are intrigued and perplexed by my relationship with Bucky. The first time they see him put his arm around me, Steve’s eyes go wide and Sam’s jaw drops.

At the end of the week, I get the chance to fill Tony in on my latest time travel incident. 

“So you just disappeared right in front of them?” he asks.

“You know, I remember a period of time when several of the guards were convinced the base was haunted by a призрак. I didn’t care about it at the time, but I remember some of the staff being really spooked. I’m guessing you were the source of all that drama,” Bucky muses. “I would not have wanted to be the guard explaining that I shot my comrade because of a ghost.”

“Well, he deserved it,” I sniff. “They deserve anything bad they got.”

He smiles at me affectionately. Steve is watching him watch me. 

“So how’s the training going?” Tony inquires. 

“Pretty good,” I say. “Natasha’s surprise tactic was a one-time thing, but I’ve come very close to traveling just by using memories. I start to go and then I lose it, but I’m getting there.”

“Well I have some news, too,” Tony says. “I had a call from Secretary Ross, who is still pretty bitter over the whole Accords thing not working out, and he wanted to let me know that given the new evidence regarding our Manchurian Candidate here, the United States government would like to work out some sort of deal. However, they want Sgt. Barnes to turn himself in and work all this out while in their “protective” custody. I explained to dear Thaddeus that, while that sounds utterly delightful, we do not know his whereabouts and therefore can’t really help with that.”

Bucky is nervously clenching and unclenching his fists as he stares at the ground. 

“Nope, not an option. That man cannot be trusted,” Steve growls.

“I suggested that perhaps in order to let Barnes know that such a deal is on the table, he should publicly announce that the government would like to make a deal, that they understand he was a POW, and that they wish for him to come in,” Tony replies.

“He’s not dumb enough to tie his own hands like that,” Steve says. “If he gets Bucky, we will probably never see him again.”

“Maybe I should turn myself in,” Bucky says quietly. “You guys shouldn’t have to clean up my messes up anymore.” 

My head jerks towards him and my mouth hangs open.

Steve sighs. “We’ve been through this, Buck. Not happening. We will figure this out and protect you. You don’t deserve to rot on a raft.”

“You guys have done more than enough. You are taking a huge risk just by hiding me. I can turn myself in and it won’t be your problem anymore.”

Tony looks like he’s trying to decide how to respond, but Steve’s reaction is swift and immediate. “No. Absolutely not. I didn’t spend all that time looking for you just to hand you over to people who might hurt you. You are my best friend and it’s not happening. Period. The end.”

Bucky turns to Tony. “You know this is the right thing. You’ve done more for me by hiding me here than I could ever deserve, especially after…” he trails off. “Tell Steve this is what I need to do.”

“No!”

Everyone turns to look at me with startled expressions.

“I’m no expert on American politics, but even I can tell that guy is an asshole,” I say trying to hold back tears. “You can’t turn yourself into him.”

“I don’t want to hurt the Avengers anymore than I have. They've taken a lot of crap for helping me out after the bombing.”

I spin toward Bucky. “Yes. The bombing you didn’t do. And that they know you didn’t do. But they won’t leave you alone.”

“I have a lot to account for long before the bombing.”

A familiar feeling settles over me.”Oh, shit.”

“The mouth on you, young la--” Tony stops when he realizes why I’m cursing. “Hang on. You got this. Stay here.”

“Son of a bitch,” Bucky whispers as he comes over to me and grabs my shoulders. “I’m so sorry. Focus like you do with Wanda.”

I’m struggling. I was gaining control with Wanda, but I’m emotional right now and that makes it 100 times harder. Clearly I’ve become ridiculously attached to Bucky in a very short amount of time during our binging sessions. The thought of him being locked up, a prisoner again, makes my stomach churn. As I fight to ground myself in the present, I sink to the floor. I’m vaguely aware of Bucky’s arms around me as he coaxes me to stay, but I find myself standing on a sidewalk next to a brick apartment building. There is a fair amount of hustle and bustle on the street and I push myself against the wall. A passing woman gives me a very strange look as she eyes me up and down judgmentally. Her hair is pinned back, forming waves around her face. She’s dressed in a knee length A-line dress. It’s clear that she's not impressed by my skinny jeans, Converse, and distressed, oversized sweatshirt. 

“Fuck.” I mutter. She gasps and speed walks away from me. I know she can’t hear me, so she must be a good lip reader.

I turn to slip down the alley and out of sight, when I realize there are more people at the other end. Three guys are surrounding a small guy and threatening to beat the crap out of him. What the hell? I want to help, but I know that’s not physically possible. I duck behind some garbage cans, right before a tall guy with dark hair comes storming down the alley. 

“There you are, Steve!” Bucky says, as if this is all normal. “Been looking for you everywhere.”

He slows to a stroll once he has the attention of the guys surrounding Steve. He walks up nonchalantly and punches a red-headed guy in the face as calmly as one might shake hands. One of the other guys lunges at him, but Bucky grabs his shoulders and tosses him into the wall. The third just puts his hands up and says, “Oh look, Rogers. Your buddy is here to save you again. Lucky you.”

Bucky takes one step towards him and he takes off down the alley. His friends follow, shooting dirty looks at Bucky as they scurry away. Bucky just stares them down without blinking. Steve stands up and brushes himself off. 

“We got plans, Steve. Can you stay out of a fight for one night?” They argue in soft voices and I find myself taking in every detail of Bucky’s appearance. He’s wearing the standard high-waisted slacks of the era and a button up shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbow. He and Steve start walking toward me so I duck further behind the cans and peer at his face between them. He’s smiling and laughing, and so is Steve, finally. It’s weird to see Steve pre-serum, even though there are plenty of old photos of him to be found in history books and online. But I’m drawn back to Bucky’s face and his eyes, the lightness he exudes. Although I didn’t know it before, that lightness is unmistakably absent now, even when he seems to be happy. As they get closer, something seems to attract Bucky’s attention and he glances my way. I shrink back and find myself back on the floor of the common room with Bucky holding me in his lap. 

“There she is!” Tony exclaims.

Bucky pushes my hair out of my face and gives me a concerned look. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Wow. That was interesting.”

“Hydra?” Bucky asks, looking upset.

“No.” I smile at him and Steve. “1940s Brooklyn, I presume. Steve was getting his ass whooped in an alley and Bucky intervened. Also, I assaulted some poor woman’s sensibilities.”

Steve groans and drops his head back.

I start to laugh and Bucky relaxes, eventually laughing too.

“Well I’d love to pinpoint when and where you were, but I’m afraid that’s just not possible. Too many options,” Bucky cracks.

“Hilarious,” Steve turns to Tony. “I think we need to talk to some people about this Ross offer and get their help. Especially since TURNING HIMSELF IN IS NOT AN OPTION.” He says this pointedly making eye contact with Bucky, then nodding at me, an action I don’t see. Bucky sighs and nods as he helps me up.

They head to Tony’s office to work some Avenger magic and Bucky leads me to the couch. We take our usual side-by-side seats, but his flesh arm is just a little tighter around me. He flips the television on and we watch in silence for a bit. I’m sleepy and find myself overwhelmingly tempted to lay my head in his lap, but I’m afraid of freaking him out. I know I like him, and he seems to like me, but what if I’m misreading the situation?

Almost as if he’s reading my mind, Bucky pulls me in tighter. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he murmurs. “That’s the second time I’ve done this to you.” 

“Don’t even start with me. The first time was all my fault, and today, well, just don’t do anything stupid, like turn yourself in and I’ll be fine. I wasn’t even trying to get back once I realized where I was, to be honest. You and Steve are just the most adorable bromance in any decade,” I turn smirk at him, but I am not expecting his face to already be turned toward me and our noses bump. He puts his metal hand on my cheek gently so I can’t turn away and he presses his lips to mine. My heart is suddenly racing out of control as I kiss him back. It starts out gentle, but gets more and more passionate and he pulls me into his lap. We have our hands in each other’s hair as the kiss takes on a life of its own. 

He pulls away breathing hard but keeping his hands in my hair, holding my face close to his. “You are so beautiful. I’ve wanted to do that for days now.” 

“Me, too,” I sigh and press my face into his neck. I give him little kisses from his ear to his collarbone. His hands run up and down my back, as our lips meet again. His stubble scratches my face and I love it. He pushes me onto my back and gets on top of me to continue kissing, balancing the bulk of his weight on his metal hand. I can’t believe this is happening. I haven’t kissed someone I have true feelings for since college. And he’s absolutely gorgeous. Oh my God, we are in the common room, I think to myself. 

He’s kissing down my neck when FRIDAY’s voice interjects.

“Sgt. Barnes. Your presence is requested in Mr. Stark’s office. They would like you to join their meeting.”

“You cannot be serious!” Bucky snaps in an irritated voice at the ceiling. He looks at me and his expression softens. “I’m gonna kill Steve.” 

“Oh don’t do that. You didn’t spend all that time hunting him down in alleys just to kill him yourself.” I push his hair behind his ears and stroke his cheek.

“I’ll find you later?” he asks hopefully.

“You better.”


	9. Bucky's POV

Bucky is distracted for much of the time he spends talking with Steve and Tony. He still gets anxious around the younger Stark, and he’s itching to get back to Y/N. All he’s really gathered from the conversation is that they have a number of private and government allies helping to get an offer on the table that keeps him safe and free.

Tony decides to get back to his latest big project so Steve and Bucky start walking back to the common area together. Bucky has a raging debate in his head about what to do if she’s not there. They haven’t been apart that long and he doesn’t want to be overbearing, but he really isn’t done kissing those soft lips. Not after all the fantasizing he’s been doing all week.

“Anything you want to tell me?” Steve asks, observing Bucky’s brooding face.

“What? No, the plan sounds good. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna turn myself in or anything crazy,” Bucky replies. Especially after that kiss. He’s not going anywhere. A small smile crosses his face.

“Uh huh. Spill it. What’s going on with you and Y/N? You two have feelings for each other. It’s very obvious.”

Bucky’s heart leaps. “You think so?” If Steve can see that she likes him, it makes it even more real.

“I haven’t seen you warm up to anyone else like that since I found you. Besides, I see the way you’re always looking at her. And she’s always looking at you, too.”

Bucky can’t help smiling. “She’s special. I can’t exactly explain it right now...but she is.”

“Do you still think she’s the person you saw when you were with HYDRA? I thought for sure it was mistaken identity, but now that she’s been there...I don’t know,” Steve raises his eyebrows.

“Honestly, Steve, I’m at a loss. My heart tells me it’s her. It feels like her. Even with my memories having come back, a lot of things are foggy and confusing from that time, like the details of faces, so at first I thought it was just a resemblance. But she’s so much like what I remember. I know my mind can be a mess and play tricks, but I just feel that it has to be her.”

“Seems like you had more of a relationship than just seeing her around. What aren’t you telling me about this woman?” Steve asks suspiciously.

“Don’t get all paranoid. She was just kind. The only person who wasn’t inflicting pain or giving orders. She would check on me and ask if I was okay. I didn’t know why she was there, too healthy to be a prisoner, too caring to be HYDRA, but since I didn’t have orders to hurt her, it was nice to have her around,” Bucky stops walking and turns to Steve. “Here’s the thing. Y/N looks like her and acts like her. She time travels, which would explain why my memories of her seem scattered all over the time frame that I was with HYDRA…”

“But?”

“She wasn’t a projection. I remember touching her and her touching me. I wasn’t much of a conversationalist, but she sure talked to me. This astral projection theory doesn’t make any sense,” Bucky says.

“It’s definitely a very strange situation, but Buck, and please don’t take this the wrong way, I gotta ask you a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Your feelings for Y/N. Is it about her or is it about this woman you think could be her. Because if they turn out to be two different people…”

“I don’t know. It’s her. But it’s both of them. I don’t know. They’re both important to me.”

“Bucky, it’s time to tell me the real deal about who this girl was to you. I’m not stupid and you are clearly hiding something.”

Bucky stares out the window for a minute. Finally, in a voice Steve can barely make out, he says, “I loved her, Steve. I didn’t know it then. Didn’t think I was capable of love. I was just an animal. And then this woman would appear, putting her arms around me, making me feel like a human again, even if it was only for a little while. Even the times when I didn’t remember her, she held me. And now she’s here again. Making me feel human. How can it not be her?”

Steve exhales loudly. “Wow. Are you going to tell her all this?”

“No. No way. She’s already been triggered twice. We’ll just see what happens with Wanda’s training.”

Steve puts his arm around Bucky’s shoulder as they begin to walk again. “Whatever this is, whoever she turns out to be, I’m happy you’re happy.”

“Thanks, Steve.”

***

When they reach the kitchen, Sam is pouring himself a glass of juice.

“What’s up guys? You’re just in time. I’m about to head outside to test these new upgrades Tony gave to Redwing. You guys would make great test targets.”

“Redwing has a better shot at me than you do,” Steve says as he gives Sam a light punch in the arm.

Bucky peers through the door into the TV room.

“Your girl-,” Sam pauses and chuckles, “is with Banner in his lab. Apparently he got back last night. He’s running those tests.”

Bucky is careful to keep the disappointment from showing on his face. “Oh, that’s good. Hopefully she’ll get some answers.” 

“Look at you, man. So smitten. Where’s the badass that threw me off a helicarrier?” Sam stifles a laugh as Bucky gives him a dirty look. 

“I’m just messing with you. She’s great. Who knows, if she gets control of this thing, maybe she’ll be joining us.” Sam heads to the door. “Now are you sure you don’t want to observe the greatness that is Redwing?” 

“You know what? I actually will come with you.” Steve turns to Bucky. “Join us?”

Bucky doesn’t feel like watching TV alone or reading in his room, so he reluctantly agrees to come. And surprises himself by having a good time.

*** 

Y/N reappears with Wanda, Natasha and Bruce for dinner. She looks extremely tired but happy. Her eyes light up when she sees Bucky and she gives him a shy smile. He smiles back, fighting the urge to walk over and wrap his arms around her. Wanda and Natasha smile at each other. Bruce looks confused. 

“I’ll fill you in later,” Natasha whispers to him.

Even Tony takes a break from his project to join the group for dinner.

Wanda is excitedly talking about their breakthrough this afternoon. After Bruce finished taking his samples and vitals, Wanda grabbed Y/N for some more practice because she wanted to try a different technique of guiding her in her head. 

“It worked! I just focused on the moment that she separates from herself, and this is hard to explain, but it’s almost like a mental string she can pull. But once I understood the importance of it, I realized it’s her anchor to the present. Let the string out, like a kite, and she can travel. Now we just need to practice unraveling and rolling it back up again.”

“I was able to take three trips by choice, though they were super short. I kind of panicked and yanked the “string” too hard each time,” Y/N explains. “The best part is after the first two, I tried returning to a happy memory and it worked!”

“I think the emotions of fear and sadness were triggering the fight or flight response in her body, and the desire to flee is why she would lose her place in the present,” Wanda explains.

“I’m a runner, not a fighter,” Y/N quips.

“This is huge,” Tony says. “Bruce, when will you know anything?”

“It’ll take a few days to examine everything. Nothing stood out off the bat, but the DNA sequencing will take more time.”

“I’m exhausted though. Apparently taking control or maybe taking multiple trips is super draining. I’m ready to pass out,” Y/N yawns for emphasis. “I’m gonna head to bed, guys. See you in the morning.”

Everyone says their good nights as Y/N places her plate in the dishwasher. She hesitates at the door and looks back at Bucky who is feeling disappointed but he still makes sure to smile at her. No one else is paying attention when she winks and gestures with her head for him to follow. He can barely control the massive smile on his face as he adds his utensils to the dishwasher and tells the group he has some history reading to catch up on.


	10. Getting Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one day?! I guess when I get the urge to write some smut, I can't be stopped. Anyway, here it is, my first foray into smut writing. Starting off on the mild side. If that's not your thing, you can stop reading at the ^^^^^ without missing any plot development.

When Bucky arrives at my door, FRIDAY automatically opens it for him per my instructions. I hear him call my name and I crack the bathroom door to let him know I’m changing and I’ll be right out. I throw on a comfortable tank and sweatpants, brush my teeth and test sniff under my arms. All good. He’s sitting on the edge of my bed when I come out. “Hey,” he says softly when he sees me and stands up. I walk right up to him and wrap my arms around him and he does the same.

“I’m sorry I don’t have more energy. Today really did sap me, but I thought maybe we could throw a movie on in here and relax together,” I tilt my head up to look at him as I speak. He brushes some hair from my eyes.

“I would love that,” he says and I see him glance between my bed and the loveseat uncertainly. 

“I’m gonna lie down on the bed. You can join me, but if you prefer to sit over there, that’s totally fine.”

Bucky smiles in reply, kicks his shoes off and climbs onto my bed. He’s already dressed in gray sweatpants and a black t-shirt, perfect for snuggling. I pull the covers over us and insist he pick the movie because I’m not sure I’m going to be able to stay awake for very long. Bucky sits with his back to the headboard, and I lay my head on his lap. He strokes my hair as we watch Titanic, a movie I’m pretty sure he selected purely for the lengthy run time. He apparently doesn’t know he doesn’t need an excuse to stay longer. I’m out in 20 minutes. Every so often I wake up just enough to note that he’s gently scratching my scalp or rubbing my arm. He gets up once to use the bathroom, and when he comes back, I crawl right back into his lap. When the movie ends, he starts to gently shift me onto the pillow, but as he starts to get up, I mumble, “You can stay if you want.” He needs no more convincing. He gets right back under the covers and I sleep the rest of night straight through wrapped in his arms. 

***

When I wake the next morning I’ve kicked off the covers due to sleeping on the human furnace that is Bucky Barnes. I’ve been known to strip in my sleep when I get hot so I’m relieved to see I’m still dressed.

“Hey, doll,” he mumbles in a sleepy voice.

“Morning, gorgeous. Be right back.” My bladder is about to explode so I rush to the bathroom. I start to exit, then turn around to brush my teeth. I have A LOT more energy this morning. I fail to close the door this time, so I glance up, mouth full of toothpaste to see him smirking at me in the mirror.  
“Well that’s just not fair. I can’t be the only one with morning breath,” he says.

I open a drawer and hand him a new toothbrush. “Ah alway kip an extwa.”

He laughs and joins me at the sink.

As soon as we walk back into my room, he picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. Our lips meet in a frenzy, our tongues battling for dominance. He lays me on the bed and we lie there together placing kisses all over each other’s faces and necks. He nips at my ear and my hands slide up the back of his shirt. His fingers stroke my side where my tank has ridden up. Suddenly I feel him put a little distance between our bodies, even though he continues to kiss me.

“What’s wrong?” I mumble and grab his hips pulling him back to me. “Oh, oooohhhh.” I giggle. “Somebody likes me.”

He reddens. “Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to...you know. You’re driving me wild, but I’m not trying to push you.”

I slide my hand down to palm him through his pants. He hisses and drops his head to my shoulder. “Baby, oh my god.”

Oh, wow. Him calling me baby really gets my motor running. I grab his shirt and start to pull it up. He grabs my wrists and looks at me open-mouthed, like he can’t figure out what to say.

“I’m sorry,” I stutter. “I’m being too pushy.”

“No, God, no. You have no idea how much I want you, but I just...um, you’ve shown me that you’re totally comfortable with my arm, but when they attached it-- well they didn’t do it to make me look good. The scars are rough to look at.” He pulls back to his knees and looks sad. “I don’t have to take my shirt off if you don’t want to see that.”

I get on my knees and face him, placing my hands on his face. “Do you really think your scars would bother me? I already think you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“It just occurred to me that this is the first time you’ll see me like this. I got nervous,” Bucky says, shaking his head.

“Damn right, this is the first time. The first of many,” I reply as I begin to lift his shirt. He reaches up to pull it over his head. I run my hand down the seam of metal and scarred flesh and press kisses all over it.

When I look up at him, he presses his forehead to mine.

^^^^^

He gently pulls my tank top over my head and tosses it to the side. As he kisses me, his hands rub up and down my sides and slowly move over to cup my breasts. His thumbs circle my nipples and I’m trembling. I rub him through his pants again and he groans with pleasure. He moves us so we are lying side by side, facing each other, rubbing our hands frantically everywhere we can. His fingers start to stroke my stomach and I’m aching for him to touch me. I start to play with the waistband of his pants as he rubs his hand between my legs. I have to be soaked as turned on as I am. 

His flesh hand returns to my waistband and he slips it between my pants and my underwear. He starts rubbing me again. I’m gasping into his mouth. I grab his shoulders tightly and open my legs wider. He gets the message and I feel his hand slip into my panties. I’m on fire as I feel his fingers slide back and forth, then pause to circle my clit. The faster his fingers move, the tighter I clutch his biceps and the louder I moan into his chest.

“I love the sounds you make,” he whispers in my ear. “You are so sexy.”

I feel the tightness in my lower belly and one of my hands moves up to tug gently at his hair. He slips two fingers into me slowly as his thumb continues to work my clit. “Let go, baby. I wanna see you come.”

His voice does it. My back arches and I gasp, stifling a cry. “No baby, let me hear you.” He continues to work me through it. I’ve never come so hard in my life. My legs even spasm a few times before I fall back breathing heavily with my eyes closed. 

“Oh my God, Bucky. That was… wow. Holy shit.”

He smiles and leans over to kiss me. I turn my body back to him. I don’t even hesitate in pushing his pants down. He shifts and kicks them off, leaving him in black boxer briefs. I push those down in the front and he springs out. It’s official. His entire body is perfection. I wrap my hand around him and gently begin to pump. My thumb swirls over the tip gathering lubrication. His hips thrust slightly and he’s moaning. I begin to pump him faster and he buries his face in my neck.

“So close,” he gasps out. A few moments later he comes with a loud moan and thrusts in my hand a few more times.

He keeps his face buried in my neck for a couple more minutes while he catches his breath. Then he pulls back and looks at me. “That was incredible. You are incredible. I’m so lucky to have you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” I tell him as I lean in for another kiss.


	11. I Saw You Today

After taking a PG-13 rated shower together, Bucky and I head to the kitchen to grab some breakfast. Our morning activities meant everyone else had eaten and gone on their way some time ago. Bucky pours coffee for both of us as I pour him a bowl of his favorite cereal and heat up my oatmeal with brown sugar. As I wait for the microwave to ding, he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, just swaying and nuzzling the top of my head. I lean back against him and place my hands over his arms.

“I wish I could take you out on a real date,” he says. 

“Aw, Buck. Don’t worry about that. Just hanging out here with you is better than any official date I’ve been on. It’s too dangerous for you to leave the compound.”

“You shouldn’t have to be cooped up here because of me though,” Bucky replies. 

I turn to face him. “This is the first time in my life I’ve been free to just be who I am without hiding it. Without worrying that people will be afraid of me or think I’m a freak. Trust me. I don’t feel cooped up or trapped.”

Bucky smiles and continues to gently sway me back and forth, ignoring the beeping of the microwave. 

“Oh!” I gasp. “I have a hot date idea! Will you teach me how to shoot?”

“Really? Of course. You are going to look so hot holding a gun,” his eyes crinkle as he smiles.

“Ahem.” Natasha clears her throat in the doorway. Bucky just keeps smiling at me and, unlike me, doesn’t startle at all. He probably heard her coming a mile away. “You about ready to meet Wanda?” She’s smirking at us.

“Can you tell her I’ll be there in 15 minutes? I just need to eat,” I say.

“No problem. I’ll just tell her you got a late start today.” She winks and disappears through the door. 

“Secret’s out, I guess.” I say to Bucky.

“I think they already knew I was crazy about you,” he replies as he grabs my oatmeal out of the microwave. He takes a seat next to me at the island. 

“Can I ask you a question?” I turn to him.

“You can ask me anything.”

“What’s the deal with you and Tony? You guys act kind of tense around each other.”

Bucky stiffens and stares down at his cereal.

“Crap. I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that,” I say hurriedly.

“No, it’s okay. You have every right to know. He sets his spoon down, turns his body to fully face me and takes my hands. “I killed Tony’s parents.”

My mouth drops. “Oh my God. i thought it was a car accident.”

“That’s what I made it look like, but it was me, on HYDRA’s orders. Tony found out after the UN bombing, and well, I don’t know how Steve smoothed things over for me to be here, but somehow he did.”

“How awful for both of you. I mean Tony must know it’s not your fault, but I can’t imagine how hard that was.”

“It got pretty ugly. He went after me and actually blew my arm off. That’s why I have this new one that Shuri made in Wakanda.”

“HE BLEW YOUR FUCKING ARM OFF!” I shriek. 

“Shh, shh. It’s okay. Lower your voice. I don’t blame him for it. And now he’s hiding me here. And let me tell you how much better this arm is than that piece of shit HYDRA made me. You should have seen the scarring before. Shuri was able to get rid of some of it. It worked out for the best. The other one caused me nerve pain all the time that I just had to live with. Please don’t say anything to him about it. Not only did I kill his parents, I killed my friend. I knew Howard during the war. We’re both just coping with this the best we can.”

“Don’t worry. I promise not to say anything. It’s okay, Bucky.” I squeeze his hand.

“Thanks, doll.”

We finish eating in silence. While I put my dishes away, he’s clearly stewing in his own thoughts. 

“I love it when you call me that,” I say.

“What?”

“Doll. Very old-fashioned, hella sexy,” I plant a kiss on his lips. He looks extremely relieved. “I better go find Wanda. I WILL see you later. I will also probably make out with you very very hard.”

“I will be counting the seconds,” he says with a smile.

***

“This is good. Your control is so much better than it was just yesterday!” Wanda claps her hands.

“I just wish I knew why I dressed like that in high school. Remind me not to go back there again,” I snort.

Wanda giggles. “Okay. This time I’m going to let you do it completely by yourself. But if I sense there’s a problem, I’ll come in and help you.”

I close my eyes and debate when and where to go. I have been sticking to personal life events out of a sense of safety, but now that Wanda won’t be in my head to talk me out of it, I’m tempted to get a little more adventurous. I take a deep breath and focus on a time and location. I feel myself separate and drift, until the cold familiar chill of the HYDRA base invades my thin sweater. Obviously I don’t know my way around, but Bucky should be nearby since he was part of my focus, unless he’s out on a mission. The corridor is empty and I make my way slowly and quietly, prepared to reel myself back home if anyone appears. No one does. I come to a door covered in what look like Russian warnings I cannot read. Now that I know I’m projecting, locked doors are no object. I simply pass through it. There’s a large cylinder surrounded by tubes and wires and a frosty window in the front. I realize what I’m looking at even before I step up to the glass.

“Oh, sweetheart,” I murmur silently as my heart breaks.

My only solace is that he’s not sad, scared, or in pain in his frozen state. I focus intently and return to Wanda. Before she can ask me any questions, I say, “Hang on. One more thing I want to see.” I release myself and head to Azzano, Italy with a focus on the date of November 2, 1943. It only takes a few minutes to locate Bucky, but I have to wait a little longer for him to be alone. Some short asshole doctor in round glasses is fiddling with the equipment surrounding the table Bucky is strapped to. Bucky’s mumbling to himself. I can’t quite make out what he’s saying, but I hear a series of numbers over and over again.

“Sergeant Barnes,” the asshole doctor cackles. “You can knock that off. None of that is going to matter soon.”  
When he finally leaves I approach the table and stand by Bucky’s head. I want to reach out and comfort him, but I’m basically just an apparition in front of him. He looks right at me, but he’s rather out of it and I’m not sure at first if he really processes my presence. Then he looks right into my eyes.

“Get Steve,” he rasps. “Steve. I need Steve.”

I nod vigorously to let him know I’m listening. I force myself to smile though I want to cry for this sweet, beautiful man I’m falling for. 

“Yes.” I mouth slowly and carefully. “Steve. Coming.”

“He’s coming?” Bucky looks at me gratefully. “Steve is coming.”

I nod and mouth, “Soon.”

He stops pulling at his restraints and relaxes on the table. His eyes close and his breathing evens out as he drifts to sleep.

“I’ll see you soon, my beautiful boy,” I say as let myself return home.

Wanda is watching me anxiously. “That’s the longest you’ve been gone. Everything okay?” 

“Yeah. Everything is good. I just had to see an old friend.”

***

I track Bucky down in the gym where he’s sparring with Sam. My arrival distracts him enough for Sam to take him down.

“Boom! That’s how it’s done!” Sam yells triumphantly.

“I don’t think it practical to take attractive women into battle as a distraction,” Vision remarks seriously.

“You got lucky today, Birdman. Don’t count on it happening again,” Bucky says, struggling to hide a smile.

“Damn, Y/N, may I say you have been the most delightful addition around here. Tin Man has become about a thousand times more tolerable with your presence,” Sam pats me on the shoulder.

“I can’t imagine him being anything but a sweetheart,” I say, putting my arm around Bucky’s waist. He smirks at Sam, who just shakes his head and guffaws.

“I’m gonna hit the showers and see you guys later,” Sam informs us. Vision exits through the wall shortly after.

I press into Bucky’s chest and hug him tightly. “I’m sweaty,” he protests, but makes no move to get away.

“I don’t care,” I murmur, hugging him tighter.

“You okay?”

I look up at him to see him giving me a look of total adoration.

“It’s time to address the elephant in the room,” I say. 

He looks confused. “I don’t get it.”

“It is me, isn’t it? The woman you thought you knew from HYDRA?”

Bucky’s eyes widen. “What makes you say that?” he says slowly.

“I visited you today. Twice. You were in cryo the first time, so you won’t remember that, and you probably won’t remember the second visit either, but yeah. It’s me, isn’t it?”

“You were able to go see me? Twice? Where was the second visit?”

“Azzano. The day before Steve rescued you. You saw me, but you were kind of delirious.”

Bucky shakes his head dumbfounded. “No, I don’t remember that, baby. I’m sorry.”

“No reason to be sorry. You asked for Steve and I tried to tell you he was coming. You seemed to understand me and I think it made you feel better. At least a little. It’s not much, I know,” I say sadly.

“No wait. That’s really strange because I remember the day Steve came I sort of expected him. Which made no sense because I didn’t know anything about the serum or what he had done. There was no reason for me to think he would or could rescue me, and yet, when he showed up, I was more shocked by his physical appearance than the fact that he was in the middle of a war zone. Zola was really fucking with me earlier that day and I remember just telling myself, it will be okay. Hang on because Steve is coming.” Bucky sits down on the bench and pulls me into his lap. “Baby, you gave me hope when I thought I was going to die. I just wish I could remember seeing you.”

“So it must be me,” I whisper.

“I’ve always thought it was you. I just didn’t want to scare you. But there’s one thing,” Bucky says.

“What?”

“You weren’t an astral projection or whatever it’s called. You were there. I touched you. Talked to you.”

“Oh,” I reply. Now I’m confused, whereas a moment ago, I was so sure. I think back over my two solo trips from earlier, while he watches my face. I jump up so fast I startle him.

“I need to go find Wanda. I need to test something, but I’ll come find you as soon as I can!”  
I run for the door.

“Please be careful,” Bucky calls after me. “I...I need you.”

I smile at him before I go through the door. “Don’t worry. I’m coming back to you. Promise”


	12. Letting Go

“There’s something I need to try, but I want you with me in case I have a problem and need help,” I tell Wanda.

“What are you going to do?” she asks me looking worried. 

“I think there is way more to my ability than we realized and I want to test a theory I have.”

“I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Wanda says biting her lip.

“I need to do this. I’m going to do this. It’s incredibly important. I just need you in my head observing, but I don’t want you to intervene unless I ask you to.”

Wanda nods and I take a deep breath. I’ve been so fixated on my theory that I didn’t put a lot of thought into when and where I was going. The first thing that pops into my head is a memory of my cheating ex and I at a party in college, where somehow the entire cooler of hunch punch sitting by the upstairs bannister got tipped over and spilled all over my boyfriend below. He was furious at the time, but now it amuses me greatly to look back on it whenever the memories hurt too much. I sense Wanda’s presence and I unleash. I open my eyes and find myself in the laundry room of the house. I pull my hoodie over my head and join the crowd, instinctively trying to dodge bumping partiers’ red solo cups even though I wouldn’t hurt them if I did. I walk upstairs, hoodie pulled as far forward as possible. I didn’t think this through when I decided to go to a party full of people where someone might notice I’m a slightly aged twin. I pass by the cooler, where kids are unhygienically dipping their cups into the heinous but intoxicating beverage. I step into a bedroom that is thankfully empty. I focus on the string that ties me to my body in the present and I...let go, for lack of a better description. 

“No! What are you doing?” Wanda screams in my head as she realizes my plan.

“Don’t do anything until I say so,” I think to her. “Are you still here?”

“I...yes? But...oh my God.” Her voice is sheer panic. “You’re gone. You aren’t here with me at the compound anymore.”

“Then it’s working,” I say. I walk to the door and put my hands against it. I try to pass through it and fail. I turn the knob and walk out into the hall. A few people are dancing, but for a moment no one is in line for a drink. I walk over to the cooler and look down. I’m taken aback as I see myself pulled along by my ex. Younger me is behind him so I don’t see him give a sly smile and wink to the girl he will later reveal he’s sleeping with. I act before I think. I tip the tub over and the contents rain down on his head. I jump back and melt into the small group of people behind me. Everyone is distracted by the outraged commotion Joe is making downstairs, and I smother a laugh. A girl bumps into me. “Excuse me,” she says. I smile and slip back into the bedroom.

“What was THAT?” Wanda asks.

“Awesome. That’s what,” I reply as I focus on finding my string. Wanda helps guide me to it. I grab it, pull and find myself on the floor of the compound. My energy is sapped and I sit on the floor too tired to stand. 

“Well this is a whole new ballgame,” Wanda remarks sitting next to me.

“You better believe it.”

***

I finally manage to drag myself back to the living quarters where I hope to find Bucky. I raise my hand to knock on his door but it swings open. “Sergeant Barnes has granted you full access,” FRIDAY informs me.

He steps out of the bathroom, hair still damp and wearing only sweatpants.   
“Today might be the best day of my life,” I smirk, staring at his bare chest.

He licks his lips as I guide him to sit on the bed. 

“Bucky, it’s really me,” I say. “I did it. My body and everything. I fully traveled to the past.”

I tell him about the party. His face is a storm of emotions. He’s quiet when I finish and I wait nervously for him to say something, but he stares at his lap. I hear a sniff and he turns his head away from me.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” I cup his chin and pull his face toward me. He’s crying.

“I’ve thought about you so much since I started getting my memories back. They were fuzzy and confusing, but I hoped so badly they were real. Hoped you were real. Wanted to touch you again.” He pulls me into his arms. “You’ve been a gift to me for longer than you’ve been alive.”

I feel the tears running down my face as well.

He holds me until we both drift off to sleep.


	13. Not An Avenger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut alert! Once again, if that's not your thing, you can stop at the ^^^^^
> 
> Thank you so much for the incredible comments you guys have left. They are the most motivating thing ever!

We wake to a knock on the door. Steve wants to know if we are coming to dinner. Bucky splashes some water on his face then takes my hand as we walk to the kitchen. Everyone is already seated at the large table.

“There you are!” Wanda says with a smile. “I told them we have big news, but I thought you should be the one to share.”

Bucky pulls my chair out and takes the next seat over. Everyone is watching him and the careful attention he’s paying me. 

“Well,” I say after pouring myself a glass of wine, “it’s official. I’m the girl from Bucky’s memories.”

Tony’s eyes widen and Steve crosses his arms with a pleased smile.

“Today, with Wanda’s help, I was able to physically travel to the past and actually interact with people.”

Bucky watches me as I retell the story with a soft smile. They crack up at the realization that I had created my own happy memory.

“Do realize what this means? The possibilities are endless,” Tony jumps up and paces back and forth as he processes everything. “We have someone on the team that can choose a point in time and go there at will!”

“On the team? I’m not an Avenger!” I realize this is spinning out of control and I need to reel it back in.

“But you could be! I know Natasha has already started training you--”

Bucky slams his hand down on the table. Thankfully it’s the flesh one, so the table survives. “No! We aren’t going to just go sending her on missions all of a sudden. It’s dangerous. Something could happen to her.”

Tony turns and glares at him. “It’s my understanding that you benefit from her ability, yet you don’t--”

“Hey, Tony. You need to slow down. I know you’re excited, but this is a very complex matter,” Bruce interrupts. 

“There is no way in hell I’m letting you send her somewhere dangerous!” Bucky yells.

“Bucky, it’s okay. Nobody is sending her anywhere,” Steve says soothingly.

“Don’t you see that we could-”

Natasha whistles loudly, interrupting Tony. Everyone stops arguing and turns to stare at her. “Maybe we should talk TO the person we are discussing instead of ABOUT her since she’s sitting right here.”

I’m still feeling a little shell-shocked, but I steel myself and say, “I don’t think I’m anywhere near going on missions. I’m only just learning how to control all this, so let’s please step back from the Avenger talk.”

Bucky is practically vibrating with anger next to me, glaring at Tony, but he keeps his mouth closed. 

“If I may say something,” Vision looks at me for permission. I nod. “Her ability to travel in time could have far-reaching consequences, catastrophic even. I would advise approaching this with the utmost caution.”

“I agree,” says Bruce. “We definitely don’t need to jump into using time travel as a weapon.”

“I’M NOT--” Tony cuts himself off, takes a deep breath, and continues in a lower voice. “I got carried away, Y/N. Yes, this requires a lot of careful thought. I’m just saying there are possibilities.”

“Let’s table that discussion for a later date then,” Bruce says in a genial voice. “In light of this new development, Y/N, would you mind coming into my lab tomorrow so I can redo the tests. I want to do a comparison with the originals.”

“Of course,” I reply with relief at the change in conversation.

The rest of dinner is filled with casual conversation and Sam gets everybody laughing with little effort. Even Bucky simmers down by dessert.

After dinner, Steve asks Bucky to help him with a weapons issue. Bucky glances longingly at me, but consents. When he leans over to hug me, I whisper to him to find me in my room later. He smiles and kisses the top of my head. I stay and share another glass of wine with Wanda, Natasha and, of course, Vision, who I’m realizing rarely strays far from Wanda. The women are trying to get details about mine and Bucky’s relationship so there is a lot of giggling. 

I feel the emotions well up in me as I finish my second glass. “He’s so kind and sweet under the rough exterior he shows everyone. He has so much pain and I just want to do everything I can to take it from him and see him smile.”

They nod in understanding. “That’s exactly what you’re doing,” Natasha says kindly as we stand up to clear the table. “We got the clean up. Go find your man.”

I don't go find my man. I go to my room and prepare to get in bed.

^^^^^

When FRIDAY admits Bucky to my room, he’s surprised to find the lights off and a lump under the covers. He quietly removes his shoes and shirt and slips into the bed. He presses against my back and puts his arm over me, but is taken aback when he feels bare skin.

I turn over, wrap my leg around him and place my lips on his. “It’s about time,” I smile. “FRIDAY, mood lighting please?” Soft lights that just allow us to make each other out go on.

“Oh, wow,” Bucky murmurs. “I think this might be the best day of MY life.”

He rolls me under him and kisses me hungrily. His metal fingers are clasped with my right hand, and his flesh hand is traveling up and down my side. He peppers kisses down my neck, then continues down my sternum between my breasts. He moves over and his tongue circles my right nipple, then the left. I moan and he moves down to my stomach. He looks up at me and I run my hand through his hair.

“My angel,” he whispers and goes back to kissing my lower belly.

I buck slightly and he smiles up at me as he moves down to my hips. His lips continue to travel down my thighs and calves until he gets to my feet. He holds my legs open as he kisses up my inner thighs. Then he lies down on his stomach and maintains eye contact as he kisses my slit. I feel his tongue parting me, exploring, as he moans. I throw my head back on the pillow and gasp when he reaches my clit. His tongue circles my sweet spot and I writhe above him. Then his tongue is inside me and I’m grabbing the sheets as he lays his metal arm across my stomach to hold me still. I feel his flesh fingers at my entrance and I’m struck with a sudden, very specific desire. I grab his flesh arm to pull it up and push his metal arm downward. He raises his eyebrow, but then seems to smirk as he places his metal fingers at my entrance instead. He’s more cautious now, slowly sliding in one finger, then two, but his tongue is working magic at my clit with little kitten licks. His fingers slide in and out and I moan loudly.

“Faster Bucky, please.”

His fingers speed up and his tongue is sending me out of this world. “Oh my God, Bucky. I’m going to come,” I cry out. And then my back arches and I’m chanting Bucky Bucky Bucky Bucky. He gives one last lick from my entrance to my clit and moves back up my body, which feels like jello. He’s hovering over me, but I can’t even speak, I just push up to meet his lips and my tongue explores his mouth, tasting myself. 

“My beautiful silly man,” I say as I get to my knees. “Look at you wearing pants. We need to remedy this immediately.”

He smiles and stands up by the side of the bed. I sit at the edge and wrap my arms around his waist and pull him in so that I can kiss and lick his well-defined abs. His hands are in my hair and I can feel his hard cock poking at my chest. I lick along his waistband and he involuntarily grips my hair a little tighter. I grab the waistband of his sweatpants and boxer briefs and pull them down at the same time. He kicks them off when they reach his ankles. I run my hands down his sides, over his hips, and then over his buttocks. I pull him closer and stare up at him as I put one hand around his cock and lick from base to tip. He throws his head back and groans loudly. “Baby, yes, please.”

I push him back from the bed a little and drop to my knees, a position I’ve always avoided, preferring to do it on level ground while lying on a bed. Something about the thought of doing this on my knees has always made me feel overly vulnerable, but I trust Bucky and something about this formerly being a taboo position for me makes it feel far more erotic. I take him in as far as I can with my hand cupped around his base. I press my tongue to the underside of his cock and his moans get louder. His hands go from hair to my upper shoulders and he gently pulls me up.

“I’m going to finish too soon if I don’t stop you,” he pants. “Your mouth is amazing.”  
He pushes me gently back onto the bed. I scoot back to give him room. He’s on his knees between my legs looking down at me. I feel a little self conscious so I distract myself by taking in his perfect body. He finally lies on top of me, using his arm to keep from putting too much weight on me. I wrap my arms under his and clutch at his back as I wrap my legs around his waist. He thrusts gently, his cock rubbing against my clit. 

“I probably should have asked this earlier, but…”

“I’m on birth control,” I interrupt quickly. 

“Oh thank God,” he laughs and presses his mouth on mine again. He continues to rub against me. It feels so good, but the desire in my belly is welling up again and I need more.

“Bucky, I want to feel you inside me.”

He deepens the kiss as he reaches down and places himself at my entrance. He slowly pushes in and I cry out with pleasure. He thrusts in and out slowly a few more times. I squeeze my legs around him and he begins to thrust harder and faster. My hands tug at his hair as I lose myself in the intense sensations. Suddenly he pulls out and rolls me to my side. He lies down behind me and enters me again. His metal arm is under me, reaching around to clutch at my breast and his right hand finds my clit as he continues to thrust. I turn my head back so our mouths meet again. My hands find his metal hand and I press it harder to my breast as I push back to meet his thrusts. I feel my orgasm approaching, but I decide to hold it off just a little longer. I pull away and turn around pushing Bucky onto his back. I straddle his hips and lower myself onto him. He grabs a couple pillows to put under his head and get a better view of me. Then he grabs my hips and pulls me back and forth as I ride him. As I feel my orgasm getting closer, I pull his metal hand from my hip and grasp it against my chest until I take two of his fingers into my mouth and suck. 

“Oh, Angel, oh my God, oh my God,” he chants, thrusting up into me. I come calling his name, then lean forward to lie on his chest as he continues to thrust upwards.

“Come for me, Bucky. I want to feel you,” I whisper in his ear. That’s all he needs. His arms tighten around me and he moans as he releases into me. 

I lie on top of him as we recover. After a few minutes he gently rolls me onto the mattress, but still clutching me to his body.

He pushes my sweaty hair out of my face and looks at me intensely. “I mean it. You are my angel. You saved me,” he says softly.

“Oh, Bucky,” I whisper back.

“I love you,” he says. I gasp in surprise and he puts his finger on my lips. “I don’t need you to say it back to me. I just needed to tell you. I know it’s fast and you haven’t known me that long, but I’ve known you. And I want you to know that I will do anything for you. Love you, protect you, anything you need or want. I’m not the easiest person to be around. I can be moody. Sometimes I have nightmares and flashbacks, but you make living a real life, a happy life, feel so much more possible. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy for as long as you’ll have me.”

He pulls me back into his body as tears roll down my cheeks. After a few minutes, he kisses my forehead and wipes my tears away. He stands and lifts me bridal style. 

“What do you say to round two?” he smirks as he carries me into the shower.


	14. It Won't Always Be This Way

Consciousness comes about slowly the next morning. Bucky is snoring gently next to me with his right arm flung across my stomach. I turn and take in his sleeping, peaceful face. When he’s like this, it’s hard to believe it’s the same man who often seems to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I feel butterflies in my stomach as I remember his revelation from the night before, that he loves me. I stroke his cheek gently.

“Mmm. Hi, baby,” he rasps, pulling me into him without opening his eyes. “Don’t even think about going anywhere. We live HERE now.”

“Where? The bed?” I giggle.

“Yes,” he mumbles into my neck. “We’ll have FRIDAY deliver us food and anything else we need.”

“I think Steve will miss you,” I smile and tug at a piece of his hair.

“Steve schmeve.”

“Sgt. Barnes,” FRIDAY interrupts. “This may be a good time to remind you that you are scheduled to meet with the team in half an hour to go over the mission.”

“Oh, shit,” he mutters. “I forgot I agreed to that last night.” He looks at me and traces my lips with his finger and winks. “I didn’t know what was waiting for me here at the time.” 

“Mission?” I say sounding mildly panicked. “You have a mission?”

“I’m just helping them plan it. They’re infiltrating some HYDRA base I’ve been to a few times so I’m just an advisor.”

Relief sweeps over me. “You’re not going though, right?”

He cages me in with his forearms on each side of my head, looking down at me. “Don’t worry, baby. I’m not going anywhere. No way Tony is gonna risk me getting spotted off the compound.”

“Thank God.” I pull his face down and kiss him. He pulls my lower lip teasingly, but gently with his teeth. 

“I better get ready,” he sighs. “But I thought maybe this afternoon I could take you to the range for that lesson you wanted. Are you meeting Wanda this morning?”

“That would be perfect!” I exclaim. “But no, she had something going on today so I guess I’ll just do some reading, maybe shoot my mom an email. She’s very curious about this new job I got upstate haha. Guess I better start fabricating some details.”

Bucky laughs as he relucantly climbs off the bed and walks to the dresser. I stare at his bare ass shamelessly. “You know I can see you checking me out in the mirror,” he says slyly.

“What can I say? Your body is banging.”

“Banging,” he shakes his head. “You kids and your lingo.”

He pulls a long-sleeved dark green shirt on with his jeans and laces up his heavy black boots. He goes into the bathroom and I can hear him brushing his teeth. Then he comes over and plants one more kiss on my lips. “I’ll see you later, babygirl. Track you down and go to the range.”

I nod and and blow him a kiss right before he closes the door. 

I force myself to get up and throw some clothes on. Then I head to the kitchen for some breakfast, where I run into Bruce, who reminds me that I’m supposed to come by for more testing. I scarf down some oatmeal and decide to get the needles out of the way for the day. Bruce notices I’m in a giddy mood, but he’s too reserved to ask questions. It’s a good thing I’m not training with Wanda and Natasha this morning because I know they’d take one look and know I had sex last night.

I go back to my room and stretch out on the bed. My book is lying next to me but I find myself reliving the night before. I’m getting all turned on again, but Bucky’s still in that damn meeting so I try to think about something else. I haven’t asked him many questions about our time together in the past, feeling that these things will reveal themselves in time, but I find myself wanting to see him again. Be with him. Maybe bring him a little peace like I did in Azzano. I close my eyes and focus on the base where he was held. I’ve read over some of the timeline that has been established for crimes the Winter Soldier committed so that helps me a little in choosing a time to focus on, but there are gaps and other factors, so there is no guarantee I’ll choose a moment that he’s not in cryo or on a mission, or simply being kept elsewhere for a period of time. Nonetheless, I focus on his face and begin to drift away. 

When I open my eyes in the musty corridor again, I keep hold of the string until I know he’s there for sure. I’m startled by the sound of the door to the cryo chamber banging open. Two guards appear with Bucky slumped between them, unable to support his own weight. I realize they’ve lliterally just woken him up. A man in a lab coat walks closely behind them. I keep a safe distance as I follow. They drag Bucky through another door where there is a another guard and another lab coat. I peer through the window and feel sick when I see that godforsaken chair. They throw him into it and strap him in. I start to panic. How can I just stand here and let this happen? But I can’t intervene, can I? I walk through the wall and hunker down behind a counter. Bucky is slumped over and still out of it from cryo. The only thing he’s wearing are scrub pants, and his hair is hanging in his face. One of the lab coats is giving instructions in Russian as he fiddles with a control panel. I crawl over behind the desk where he’s working and look at the wires going from his panel to the wall. One of the guards flings Bucky’s head back violently against the headrest and forces the mouthguard in. For the first time in my life, I think I may be capable of murder. The metal plates come down and close around his head, and I feel red hot anger like I’ve never experienced in my life. I release the string and suddenly I’m aware of the very cramped space I’m in. I reach out and yank the wires from the wall. I hear the white coat banging above me and then frustrated Russian. The other lab coat comes over and they seem to be arguing. After several minutes of raised voices, they give up. These guys have apparently never called a customer service line, only to be asked “have you tried unplugging it and plugging it back in again?” These are the dumbasses that keep trying to take over the world?

They scrap their plans and drag Bucky from the chair. I wait until the room is empty and I follow at a safe distance. They drag him into a cell and lay him on the bed. I note that there is a security camera pointed at the door, though it doesn’t point into his room. It roves back and forth in the hallway, so I abandon my physical body and wait for my opening to step through the door. I approach Bucky cautiously. His hair is over his face and he appears to be sleeping. I bring my body back and reach out to gently sweep his hair from his face. His eyes pop open and he stares at me.

“Hey,” I say softly.

He looks at me blankly. I slowly reach out and caress his cheek. “I’m not going to hurt you. Can I sit next to you?”

At those words, he seems to focus on my face and looks at me carefully. I slowly sit down on the edge of the cot and he gazes up to meet my eyes. 

“It’s okay, Bucky. I’m here because I care about you.”

“Who the hell is Bucky?” he rasps. He tries to sit up, but he’s still weak and struggles to stay upright. I push myself back against the wall and encourage him to lay his head in my lap. I decide not to push the Bucky issue. I start to run my hands through his hair. He stiffens at first, but then relaxes into it. He looks up at me curiously. 

“Are you part of a mission?” he finally asks. 

“No, I’m just here for you.”

“Why? For what? Is this a test?”

“No, I promise it’s not a test. I know they hurt you a lot. I just want to make you feel better if I can,” I say.

“If my mission fails, they will hurt you. Maybe kill you,” he says without emotion.

“No, they won’t. I promise.”

He relaxes slightly and closes his eyes, but I can tell he’s still awake and as prepared as possible in his weakened state to take me on if I do anything threatening. It’s clear he hasn’t judged me to be much of a threat. I have one hand stroking his hair and the other rubbing his chest. I can’t help taking in the silver arm with red star emblazoned on it. He wasn’t kidding when he said Shuri had cleaned up much of his scarring. It couldn’t be more clear that HYDRA made no effort to shield him from pain and discomfort. I gently massage his left shoulder, remembering that he told me it used to ache all the time. I don’t know how long I’ve been lost in the repetitive movement when I realize he’s looking at me again. 

“You aren’t supposed to be in here are you?”

I shake my head.  
“Don’t let them catch you. They’ll make me hurt you and I don’t want to,” he says and closes his eyes again.

“I won’t. I promise.”

***

It kills me to leave him, but eventually we hear noises from down the corridor. Bucky looks at me with alarm, but I tell him I have a way out. I slip out from under him and he lays his head down on the thin pillow. I lean over and kiss him on the forehead. “You are loved. It won’t always be this way.” Then I slip around the corner toward the door just out of his eyeline and reel myself back home.


	15. Family

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. My heart is heavy and my mind is in turmoil thinking about what I just experienced. I need to see Bucky now, to make it real that he’s okay and not out there trapped in a HYDRA cell. At that moment he pops through the bathroom door and startles when he sees me. 

“Where did you come from? I didn’t hear the door,” Bucky looks confused.

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I was away. Your super soldier super hearing is still intact,” I smile.

Bucky sits on the bed next to me. “Where were you?”

“With you,” I say, climbing onto his lap and burying my face in his neck to smell his cologne.

“Was I hospitable?” he asks with smile as he twists a piece of my hair around his finger.

“Of course, Buck. You were just out of cryo so you were in kind of rough shape,” I say. I know he hears the sadness in my voice.

“Thank you, baby,” he says. “I remember you being there a few times right when I got pulled out of the freezer. Getting woken up was hell; I’d always wish they’d just stick me right back in. But the times you were waiting for me...that made it okay.”

“Bucky Bucky My Sweet Bucky,” I mumble into his neck.

“And now I’m here with you, exactly where I want to be,” he says as he kisses the top of my head.  
I lift my head and nuzzle at his scruff. 

“Still want to go shoot?” he asks.

“Absolutely.”

***

“Not bad, baby,” Bucky tells me as I pull the target from the clips. 

I raise my eyebrows at him. “You don’t have to butter me up. I’m gonna put out.”

He bursts out laughing. “I think you are being a little hard on yourself considering this is the first time you’ve ever shot a handgun. You did pretty well with the Sig P238. Next time we’ll try some of those-- what do you call them? Big ass guns? I mean, if you want to.”

“Of course I want to. I may suck but at least I get to watch your sexy ass. God, you looked so hot firing that Glock I almost ripped your clothes off right here.”

Bucky glances around and gives me a predatory look as he starts to advance on me. It’s at that moment the door bangs open. 

“Nope. Uh uh. You two get out of here with that mess. I need to practice.”

“Dammit, Sam,” I giggle.

Bucky rolls his eyes and collects the guns for cleaning. Watching him take them apart and put them back together is almost as sexy as watching him shoot them.

We wave goodbye to Sam and head back to the living quarters. When we reach the common room, I turn to Bucky. “Want to watch a movie?”

“Nope,” he replies without stopping. I follow him down the hall. He walks right into his room without hesitating. 

“Do you have something you need to do?” I ask feeling confused.

“YeP,” he pops the p at the end. Then he grabs my hand, pulls me inside and pushes me against the back of the door. “I have something I need to do very badly,” he says as he drops to his knees and lifts my shirt.

***

We lie on top of the made bed afterward. I’m tracing patterns on his chest and his fingers trace my spine. He’s telling me about his family, his sister Rebecca in particular. Rebecca’s grown children, and their children too, are out there somewhere, but he’s never met any of them. He wonders if they would ever want to. 

“They would love you. You deserve a family,” I say.

“Maybe one day,” he replies. “Right now I feel like you and Steve are my family though.” 

I smile and kiss his chest. “Good, I’m glad,” I reply. “And don’t forget Sam. You two bicker like a couple of siblings.”

Bucky snorts. 

“Did you ever want kids?” I ask. 

“I did, yeah. Thought I’d get married and have a couple little ones running around,” he says quietly.

“What about now?”

He’s quiet. Finally he says, “I’m afraid to even dream of that life. It seems too good to be true. I’m not sure I even deserve it.”

“You deserve the world, Bucky. It’s a lot of fucked up shit that brought you to me, but I’m grateful to be in your life.” I feel his lips against my forehead.

***

“I have a surprise for you,” Bucky says. 

“What’s that?” I ask as I pull my shirt back on. 

“You’ll see.” He takes my hand and we head to the elevator. We get off on the main floor and head outside. He’s leading me to the lake.

When we come out of the trees, I see a picnic blanket set up by the water with a cooler of food and bottle of wine. Soft white lights are strung from a nearby overhanging tree.

“No. No way. Are you kidding me, Bucky? This is so sweet!”

I can see how happy my reaction makes him and he leads me to the blanket. “I told you I wanted to take you on a date. Steve was kind enough to set this up while I- ahem - kept you busy.”

I playfully punch his chest before sitting down. He sits next to me and opens the basket, pulling out some freshly prepared sushi.

“I heard you tell Wanda you were craving it the other day,” he says as he hands me a plate.

He also pulls out two wine glasses from a basket and an extra blanket. He places the blanket over my lap.

“Are you implying I’m a messy eater?” 

His eyes crinkle at me. “I don’t need my baby getting cold.” He pours me a glass of wine.

“This is incredible,” I say. “I honestly don’t even have the words for how much this means to me, Buck.”

“I told you I’d do anything to make you happy,” he says as he pours himself a glass. He sets it down and looks at me seriously. “I didn’t think it was in the cards for me to be happy again. Truly happy. I know I still have shit to deal with. I always will. But not only do I have a second chance, but I get it with both my best friend and the woman of my dreams. I meant it when I said you and Steve are my family.”

He takes my hand and we just look at each other. Then he adds, “And Sam’s okay, too, I guess. When he’s not being a dick.”

My laugh carries across the lake and he kisses my hand.


	16. Past Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wee bit of smut for ya between the usual ^^^^^, but if you're a smut skipper, make sure to scroll down and read the last part. Vital plot development after the second ^^^^^.

The next few weeks are relatively uneventful. I still train with Wanda and Natasha, but we focus more on actual fighting techniques than the time travel since I have a pretty good grip on that now. Wanda and I have made a few attempts to go forward in time, but so far no luck. Perhaps I’m not meant to be able to do that. Time will tell. Get it? Haha. Training with the Avengers hasn’t made me less of a dork apparently.

Bucky has been helping them plan the HYDRA mission. He won’t tell the rest of the team, but this has caused his nightmares to resurface. Some nights he wakes up gasping and covered in sweat, so I hold him and soothe him until he falls asleep. Sometimes we make love until he feels grounded again. I usually spend the time he’s working on the mission visiting him at the HYDRA facility. I don’t tell him, but it is taking a toll on me emotionally. Though I haven’t said it yet, I know I’m in love with him. Seeing him in pain over and over is ripping my heart out. But I can’t stop. Sometimes he doesn’t remember me because they’ve ripped me away recently with that godforsaken machine, but when he does-- oh, when he does, how his eyes light up and my heart flips. Bucky the soldier doesn’t smile. But I see it in his eyes, the relief and happiness that I’m there.

Bucky leaves first thing this morning to meet up with the team. The mission is only a couple days away, so planning is in the final stages. Nick Fury and Maria Hill even arrived this morning. I give him a long, lingering kiss before he goes.

“I’ll see you later, angel,” he says.

I curl up on the couch and go to the facility. Bucky looks up and I see the recognition in his eyes. I feel immediate relief as he is understandably tense and suspicious for all of our “new” introductions. He has fresh cuts and bruises on his face, so I walk over and gently press my fingers to his temples. 

“Are you, okay?”

“Yes. I’m training the other soldiers. They do not comply with orders as expected.”

I cautiously put my arms around him and hug him. I learned after the first time to do it slowly so he realizes what I’m doing and doesn’t startle into almost choking me. He didn’t actually do it, but for a second it had really looked like he was going to grab my neck that day. It’s always the same, he stiffens initially, then relaxes and puts his arms around me. He sits on the edge of the cot, pulls me into his lap, and rests his head against my chest. I stroke his hair and press kisses all over the top of his head. He’s clean today. The last couple times he was kind of a mess. I know those fuckers just turn a cold hose on him and I hate them so much for it.

“It’s late,” he says. “I was about to go to sleep.”

“Go ahead, sweetheart,” I say.

“I don’t want you to go. Stay?” His eyes are pleading.

“Of course. I can stay for awhile.” I kick off my shoes and he makes space on the cot for me between him and the wall. He always tries to stay between me and the door in case we get surprised. He turns off the dim light he’s been given and presses his body to mine, like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. He’s spooning me and I can feel his warm breath on my neck. I wait for his breath to even out as usual, telling me he’s asleep, but it doesn’t happen. After a few minutes, I feel his lips on the back of my neck giving me light kisses. His hand rubs my stomach softly and I feel my body responding to him. I don’t know what to do. I want him. I always want him. But like this? He’s not himself. Am I taking advantage of him in an impaired state? I feel his hardness pressing into my leg. Crap. There are no rules for something like this. When I don’t respond to his advances, Bucky just wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer. His breathing steadies and he’s out.

***

“Did you see me today?”

“I did. It was late so you went to sleep.”

“Geez, what a boring date I am,” Bucky laughs as he digs through his drawer for his black hat.

“Bucky, something happened-” 

He turns around looking stricken. “What, baby, are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s nothing bad. It’s just...well...I think you wanted to have sex with me.”

“Oh,” he says, looking relieved. “Did we?”

“No!” I gasp out. “I mean, I didn’t know…um...I wasn’t sure what to do.”

“Seems to me like you always know what to do,” he says with a wink.

I throw my shoe at him. “Shut up. I mean, I didn’t because I’m not sure it’s okay to. You’re kind of incapacitated in a way and I was afraid it was wrong and you’d be be upset.”

Bucky bursts into laughter. “Baby, I hereby officially give you my permission to do anything you want to keep me occupied in that lonely cell. I wanted you then like I want you now. But only if you are okay with it. Don’t ever do anything that you aren’t comfortable with, not even for me.”

I nod, then realization suddenly dawns on me. “Oh my God. We did have sex back then didn’t we? Bucky Barnes! Did we have sex? WHEN I MET YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME HAD WE ALREADY HAD SEX?”

Bucky is trying to smother a smile as he sits on the bed next to me. “Do you really want me to answer that or do you want it to be a surprise?”

“Oh my God!” I clap my hands over my face. “I can’t believe the first time we met, you had already seen me naked.”

Bucky’s chest is shaking with laughter as he wraps me in a hug. “I’m sorry, gorgeous. I don’t want you to feel embarrassed. You know you’re my heart, right? And I never really know what I should tell you because it all already happened for me and I’m afraid of screwing it up because those memories are everything to me. Every visit, every second with you.”

I take my hands off my face and look at him. “It’s okay. I’m being silly, now. Wow. Okay. Well damn. I could have gotten some this morning.”

Bucky pushes me back on the bed. “How about now?”

^^^^^  
He pushes my shirt up and runs his tongue over my belly from my waistband to my bra. He pushes my bra up too and takes my nipple into his mouth and gently swirls his tongue around it.

“Buuuucky,” I moan.

He takes my other nipple in his mouth as he unzips my pants. He stands up and pulls them off as I shuck off my shirt and bra. His eyes rove all over my body as he strips. He presses his fingers to my opening and moans at how wet I already am. “Looks Iike I really did get you worked up earlier.”

He grabs my legs and pulls me to the edge of the bed where he enters me immediately. “Yes. Fuck. Yes,” I cry out. He holds my legs against his body as he thrusts into me. 

“You feel so good, Y/N. You were meant for me. Always,” he says looking down into my eyes. Then he flips me onto my stomach and enters me again as he nibbles at my neck. I reach back and grab his hair and his hand reaches under me to rub my clit. We come at the same time, and he collapses on me. 

“I can’t wait to go back in time and ruin you,” I tell him.

“Believe me, you did. You’re all I’ve wanted for 70 years.” He kisses my cheek.

^^^^^

At dinner that night, conversation turns to Ross and Bucky’s deal. Ross is being an ass and refusing to put anything on the table that doesn’t stipulate Bucky turning himself in first. 

“Well until he’s willing to make a reasonable deal, Buck stays put,” Steve says. 

Bucky sighs and I squeeze his hand.

After dinner, Bucky seems a bit dejected and I’m anxious to comfort him. “Let’s watch a comedy in bed,” I tell him.

“Sounds like a plan, doll,” he says mustering a small smile.

“Perfect. You go get ready for bed and I’ll be there in a few. I just need to talk to Tony for a minute.”

He gives me a peck on the cheek and heads off. 

I knock on Tony’s office door where he and Bruce are discussing the mission.

“Come in, Dorothy,” he calls.

“Dorothy?” 

“Dorothy and the Tin Man. You’ve done a wonderful job of oiling up the cranky old soldier,” Tony smirks and Bruce rolls his eyes.

“Cute,” I reply. “Now I need you two to tell me everything you know about this Ross bastard. I have an idea.”


	17. Bad Intel

I’m antsy the morning of the big mission. Bucky had slept horribly the night before after having a nightmare that he was the one lying in wait for the team at the base and had brutally murdered Steve. He’d spent the rest of the night with his head on my stomach, clutching me like he feared I’d leave him.

While he takes a shower, I head to the kitchen to get us some coffee. Steve is there, waiting for the pot to finish brewing. 

“Morning, Y/N,” he says and gives me a hug. 

“Hey, Steve,” I reply with a smile. “A hug? You’re making me nervous. Everything’s still set for today, right? No complications? You guys are going to be fine.”

He laughs. “No, we’re feeling good about it. But I’m glad to catch you alone for once. I’ve been wanting to tell you something.” He sets his phone on the counter and turns to face me again. “I need to thank you.”

“For what?”  
“For everything you’ve done for Bucky. The change in him since you came back into his life is just incredible. You are so good for him and he loves you so much. I’ve never seen him like this over anyone, not even before the war. I’m happy for him, for you, and, well, this is probably selfish, but also me. The guilt I feel for not being there for him when he needed me is so overwhelming. It has torn me apart for years that I didn’t go back for him when he fell. Seeing him happy and not in pain all the time just means the world to me.” Steve clasps my hands in his two large ones.

“Oh, Steve, he doesn’t blame you for anything. You suffered loss, too, you know.”

“I did, but I still can’t compare being frozen to what was done to him. And it isn’t right that I get a hero’s welcome back and he’s treated like a damn criminal. He served his country and is the most amazing friend I ever could have asked for. If he hadn’t been watching my back with the Howlies, I probably wouldn’t be here myself. I’ll tell you this much -- he will never spend another day as a prisoner to anyone. Not as long as I’m alive. I can’t turn back time, but I can do that much.”

I feel a twinge, a niggling thought trying to surface at that.

“You’re a good friend, Steve. You mean the world to him and I’m so glad he has you, too.”

Steve clears his throat. “Well, on that note, it’s time for me to head to the hangar.” He fills up his thermos. “You two behave yourself while we’re gone.” He winks and heads out the door.

“No promises!” I call after him.

***

“Son of a bitch!” I yell in frustration.

Bucky looks up from his history book. “Take a break, baby. You’ll wear yourself out.”

“I feel like I’m so close. And then nothing. I go nowhere. Maybe going to the future just isn’t possible.” I throw myself face down on the bed. I feel the mattress dip as Bucky joins me and then his hands on my back massaging my tense shoulders.

“All that matters to me is that you’re here,” Bucky says as his phone goes off. “Hang on a second.” He gives the screen a strange look before he answers. “Sure, I’ll be right there,” he says to the person on the other end of the line.

“What’s going on?”

“That was Maria Hill. She wants me to come over to the communications center with her and Fury. They have some questions about the base.” Bucky sighs. “Jesus. Just when I get a break from avoiding Tony, Fury shows up.”

“What’s wrong with Fury?”

“I tried to kill him. A couple times actually,” Bucky shakes his head in exasperation.

“Oh Lord sweetheart, you have no luck. I’m coming with you,” I say affectionately and wrap my arms around his vibranium one. 

***

“She can’t be here,” Maria states the instant she sees me.

I put up my hand. “It’s fine. I’ll just wait right outside. I’m here if you need me, Buck.”

He nods and they close the door. 

I sit in the chair and think about my conversation with Steve earlier. Something he said is pricking at my mind. I lean forward and put my head in my hands when Bucky bursts out of the office looking distressed. I hear Maria call out, “Remember, she doesn’t have clearance.”

Bucky looks pissed and I follow him outside. “Fucking clearance? I’m wanted by the government and I have clearance on this mission. I don’t give a fuck if you have clearance or not.”

“What’s wrong?”

“There was some bad intel on the base. I never saw the outside, I was just helping them map out what to do once they were in. Problem is their planned exit is rigged to blow if the place is infiltrated. HYDRA has reinforcements stationed near the entrance and they can’t come back out the way they went in.”

“There’s no way they can fight their way out?”

Bucky sighs. “The problem is that there are prisoners inside and most of them are kids. HYDRA never stopped experimenting on people. We also have reason to believe they are about to move them to several locations around the world. The mission already got bumped up by two weeks to make sure we didn’t lose track of the prisoners. They can’t fight their way out and keep them safe. And if they try to leave the other way, the explosion will likely kill a lot of innocent people. If it were just the team, this would be no big deal. But it isn’t. And if they leave without the kids, there’s no way they’ll still be there when we get back. Natasha was able to get a bunch of intel on the explosives, but they found her and opened fire. She can’t get back into the control room to knock out the system.”

I’m quiet as I mull all this over. Bucky stares at the ground with his head in his hands. 

I jump up and run back inside. Bucky chases after me. 

“Who are you?” Fury says evenly when I walk into the office. “Besides someone without clearance?”

“I’m someone that can help the team get out safely with the prisoners, that’s who.”

***

HYDRA architects are not very original. This base is just as ugly as the one where I visit Bucky. I pull the map from my pocket that I brought with me from tomorrow at the compound. The Avengers won’t be here for hours, so other than the occasional patrol, nobody is strictly monitoring the control room that is used to protect the exit and I can bypass the security door in my astral form. The explosives are triggered by motion detectors and cameras. I follow Maria’s detailed instructions, based on Natasha’s intel, to turn off the detectors. They should be able to walk right out without setting anything off. According to Natasha, since HYDRA knows they can blow that part of the base sky high, they don’t have guards there to physically stop anyone. Now the Avengers are free to set up a distraction while the prisoners walk out the back. 

***

Bucky’s livid when I get back. He can’t believe I volunteered for this, much less that Nick and Maria agreed to it. Upon my return, they radio the team to give them the all clear. Bucky and I walk back to the common room in silence, with Maria’s promise to update us. 

He sits on the couch and stares at the black screen on the television. I sit next to him and put my hand on his knee. “What if something happened to you?” he whispers.

“I had to help. And I was careful. Any sign of trouble and I would have been gone. I’m not leaving you, Bucky. But you know they would never leave all those people behind and we could have lost everybody, as well as the prisoners.”

He lays his head in my lap. “I know you did the right thing. I was just so scared when you were gone. You really are an angel to all of us.”

We stay on the couch until we get a message from Maria. Everyone is out. The mission was a success.


	18. Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut alert between the arrows!

I’m invited to the debrief after the mission due to my involvement. 

Thor gathers me in a hug when he sees me. “ Y/N,” he booms. “I am so pleased to meet the woman who finally brings a bit of summer to our Winter Soldier.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Oh for…”

We all take a seat and go over the events of the mission. Tony has me break down every single detail of what I did.

“Your ability saved those people. Saved us. You can be an amazing asset to this team,” he says. He’s trying to maintain an even tone and not set the group off like last time.

“I’m still not sure that’s a great idea,” says Bruce. “Don’t misunderstand me, Y/N, we’re all very grateful for what you did, but I still think the risks of serious changes to world events are too dangerous.”

“Look, we don’t need to send her back to kill Hitler or save JFK,” Tony says. “I get that such large scale changes are dangerous to the present. But what she did yesterday, taking care of some bad intel? We could really use that.”

“Perhaps we just need to take things on a case-by-case basis,” I say. “Nothing huge, but if you guys get in a jam, we consider what I can add to the situation.”

Bucky is staring at the table looking very unhappy. He looks at me and sighs. “At the very least, if you’re going to consider going on more missions, we need to advance your fighting and weapons training. Make sure you are prepared in every sense of the word.”

I squeeze his hand and nod. 

***

A few days later Bucky is training with Steve and I go to visit Bucky as usual. When I arrive he’s fully dressed in his gear, minus the face mask.

“Are you about to leave on a mission?” My stomach twists with dread like it always does on days like this.

“It has been postponed until tomorrow,” he says. When I reach him he embraces me and buries his face in my hair.

“Good. I want to be with you,” I say.

“I wish you could just stay here. I don’t like it when you’re gone,” he says.

“Me neither, sweetheart. Someday that’s how it will be. I promise you that.”

I can tell he doesn’t believe that one bit but he doesn’t argue.

He sits on the edge of the cot and I kneel behind him to massage his left shoulder. He loves when I do this, says it relieves the ache immensely. Something seems to be bothering him though.

“Are you okay?”

“I’d never hurt you,” he replies.

“I know, sweetie.”

“But they have a way they could make me. I wouldn’t be able to stop it. I had a nightmare last night that they made me kill you.” He clenches his fists and I move around to his front so I can look at him. His face is twisted with devastation. His eyes are filled with so much pain that I climb in his lap and wrap my arms around him. We sit like that for a few minutes, his face in the crook of my neck. His flesh hand starts to stroke my back and he kisses my neck. I look him in the eyes before I press my lips to his. He kisses me hungrily, almost desperate.

^^^^^

He lays me on my back and looks down at me, seemingly unsure if he should proceed. I reach up and caress his bicep, then run my hand over his chest. I tug at the straps on his chest. He stands without breaking eye contact and begins to remove his uniform. I pull off my shirt and pants and lie there in my bra and panties. He looks at me longingly, as he removes the last of his clothing. He kneels down on the floor next to the cot and places kisses all over my body. I sit up just enough so he can reach around unhook my bra, which he tosses in a corner. Then he slides my panties off and they join my bra. His hands roam my body as if he’s assuring himself that I’m real. I reach out and run my hands over his chest and stomach and slowly move down to stroke his length. He breath catches in his throat and then he’s on me, pressing every inch of his body that he can against me. 

“I’ll never hurt you,” he tells me again, but I think he’s trying to assure himself more than me.

He reaches down and pulls my leg up so he can enter me. Soldier Bucky isn’t as gentle as he is now. He’s not hurting me, but his desperation and desire for touch are clear. He’s softer with me in the present, but Soldier Bucky is needy. I whisper in his ear how beautiful he is, how strong, and that he’s a survivor. His thrusts speed up at the sound of my voice. Whenever I moan with pleasure he makes a point of repeating whatever he did to draw that sound out of me. The cot begins to squeak dangerously loud, so he stands up and just holds me in front of him as he continues to thrust. 

Our foreheads are pressed together and he looks into my eyes with an intense look. “Mine,” he growls. “You’re mine. I will kill anyone who tries to hurt you.”

My back is now against the concrete wall and I squeeze him between my thighs.

“I’m yours and you are mine,” I tell him and then I’m crying out, the waves of my orgasm overcoming me. He follows soon after, his grip on me intensifying. He lays me back on the cot and climbs under the ratty blanket with me. He pulls me onto his chest and we sleep.

^^^^^

I’m in the shower when Bucky gets back from training.

“Hey, baby,” he says sticking his head in the bathroom door. “How was your day?”

“Congrats, sir. I followed through on my promise to ruin you this morning.”

“What? Are you kidding me? I was planning to ruin you tonight. What a damn cockblocker I am,” Bucky laughs.

“I’m not gonna stop you.”

“Mind if join you?” he asks. “I’m drenched from training.”

“Get that sexy ass in here,” I reply.

Bucky pulls the frosted door open and freezes. He just stares at me, eyes roving all over my body in horror. 

“What the hell, Bucky? Are you trying to give me a complex?”

He slowly steps in and reaches out to touch my hip. I look down, trying to figure out what his problem is. That’s when I see them. Bruises have started to appear in various places where he was grabbing me earlier. Some of them are getting quite dark. Bucky turns me around and looks at my back. I hear him choke back what sounds like a sob before he turns me around to look at my front again. I have some fingerprint looking bruises appearing on my breasts and upper arms as well. He falls back against the wall with such a look of misery that my heart shatters.

“No, baby. Oh my God. I didn’t know I hurt you.” He can barely get the words out. 

“Bucky, it’s okay. I didn’t even know they were here. You didn’t hurt me I swear.” I place my hands on each side of his face and force him to look at me. “You. Did. Not. Hurt. Me. I didn’t feel any of this. Our time together was incredible. I promise you I’m not in pain.”

“That fucking arm,” he spits. “All it did was hurt people.”

“Bucky, you need to fucking listen to me. We were excited, passionate. You did nothing to inflict pain on me. The sex was incredible. You said yourself, the new arm is way more sensitive than the old one. But it doesn’t matter either way because I’m fine. You would never hurt me.”

I pull him to me and begin to rub body wash on him. Then he sits on the built in tile bench and allows me to wash his hair. When I finish I straddle him and force him to look at my face. 

“I love you, Bucky. I didn’t know I could love someone the way I love you. I trust you 100 percent. I’m yours and you’re mine.”

His eyes relax and fill with happiness.

“I’d do anything for you,” he says. “You’re the love of my life.”

“Same,” I say, and press my lips to his again.


	19. пойманный

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Russian is courtesy of Google Translate. Hopefully there is a reasonable amount of accuracy. :)

Bucky is wary as he gets ready to meet Steve in the gym the next morning. He knows I always use this time to spend with him, but I can tell he doesn’t want me to go today. He sits on the bed next to me and runs his hand under his large shirt that I slept in last night. He gently strokes my bruised hips as he inspects the marks in the morning light. 

“Please don’t get me all riled up before you leave,” I joke.

He smiles and lightly presses his lips to one of the darker bruises. 

“You should go for a walk or something this morning,” he says, aiming and missing for a casual tone. “The weather is nice.”

“Maybe I will,” I reply. We both know I’m lying. 

After he leaves, I pull on some clothes more suited for that chilly dungeon shithole that has become my second home. Bucky is asleep on the cot when I arrive. His chest is bare and there is a bandage near his shoulder. He heals so quickly that I dread to think of what kind of injury he has that actually prompted his captors to give him medical care.

“Hi Sweetheart,” I say as I approach him slowly. I know it would be unwise to wake him while right next to him with his reflexes. His eyes blink open, and when he’s seen me, I lie down next to him. He pulls me closer and throws the blanket over me. 

“I dreamed about you last night,” he says. “but I didn’t really understand it. I was wearing a brown uniform. There were all these other men wearing the same thing and I was getting on a ship. You were wearing a long dress and saying goodbye. Then you disappeared and there was this blond kid instead. Then I was in the water and everyone was looking down at me, but I couldn’t reach anyone’s hand. I could see the blond kid trying to grab me. He was screaming something I couldn’t hear and you were behind him crying. I drowned...I think.”

“I will never let you drown, sweetie. I’ll always come in and get you. I promise.”

We are both startled by a sound at his door. Bucky immediately pulls me over his chest toward the wall and jumps up into a protective stance. A lone guard bursts into the room and glares at me.

“Я знал, что кто-то здесь был с тобой,” he hisses. “Кто дал тебе шлюху?”  
(I knew that someone was in here with you. Who gave you a whore?)

“Держитесь подальше от нее,” Bucky responds. I’ve never heard his voice like this. It sends chills down my spine. “Я убью тебя, если ты прикоснешься к ней.”  
(Stay away from her. I will kill you if you touch her.)

“Солдат любит свою шлюху,” the guard replies with a sneer. “Но никто не санкционировал это.”  
(The soldier love his whore. But no one sanctioned this.)

The guard fixes his gaze on me and the corner of his mouth turns up. “Кто вас сюда пустил?” (Who let you in here?) He takes two steps closer. Bucky rears up into a fighting stance. 

“Солдат, отступай. Вы знаете, что мы с вами сделаем,” the guard says as he lick his lips at me. (Soldier, back down. You know what we will do to you.)

Bucky doesn’t move. His body language is murderous and his eyes remain fixed on the guard. I’m pressed against the wall, terrified. Bucky plants himself squarely between me and the guard.

“Мы узнаем, как вы сюда попали,” he says to me. “то я покажу вам, что такое настоящий человек.”  
(We will find out how you got in here. And then I will show you what a real man is.)

Bucky lunges at him, except he’s no longer Bucky. I know immediately that this is the Soldier. The guard is clearly shocked to find his legs dangling off the ground with the Soldier’s metal hand gripping his throat. He kicks and gasps. 

“Вы не соблюдали правила,” the Winter Soldier says in a threatening voice. “Никогда не подходите ко мне одному. Вы думали, что возьмете ее для себя. Теперь ты умрешь.”  
(You didn’t follow the rules. Never approach me alone. You thought you would take her for yourself. Now you will die.”

He turns to look at me. “You need to go now. They will notice he hasn’t returned and come looking for him.”

“I can’t just leave you! What’s going to happen? What will they do to you?” I’m near hysterical.

The guard continues to kick as Bucky holds him away from me. All he has to do is give a slight squeeze to finish him and I realize slowly that Bucky, even as the Soldier, doesn’t want me to watch him do what has to be done.

“I will be okay. It won’t be the first time I’ve killed one of theirs out of rebellion. But they will do horrible things to you. Killing you will be mercy if they get their hands on you.” His voice is even and emotionless, but at this moment that changes and I hear the crack when he says, “Please. Before they come.”

I nod and edge past the kicking guard to the door. When I’m out of sight I disappear and jump up from my bed. I tear out of my bedroom and run full speed toward the gym. I slam into Sam, and keep going. 

“What happened?” he yells after me and I hear his steps as he chases after me. 

I storm through the gym doors where Steve and Bucky halt their sparring and watch in shock as I barrel toward them. 

“Baby, what is-” He goes silent when I hurl myself into his arms crying. He just cradles me while I sob. The others have gathered around us, either having already been in the gym or trailing after the sounds of my trek across the compound. 

“The guard,” I gasp out between sobs. “He cau- caught me. You told me to leave. I left you. Oh my God. I left you and it’s all my fault!”

Bucky sinks to the ground still cradling me. “Oh, shit, baby. I’m okay. I’m right here. Everything is fine. I handled it. Shit, I’m so sorry. I should have warned you. I’m such an idiot.”

“Did they hurt you?” I sob.

“Babygirl, they didn’t do anything they hadn’t done before. Look, I’m right here. Everything is okay.”

“What happened?”

“After you left, I- I took care of him. He would have told the others about you and then they would have been waiting for you to show up again. I couldn’t allow that. They would have kept you and-- I couldn’t allow them to do those things to you,” he says as he rocks me gently. Everyone else is silent as they listen.

“The rest didn’t know about me?”

“Apparently not. I guess he thought he’d keep you for himself so he was dumb enough to take me on alone. They punished me, but he broke the protocol by entering my cell without backup. It wasn’t exactly the worst they’d ever done to me because of that.”

“But still,” I sniffle. “They hurt you because of me.”

“Nah, baby. I’d have taken a hundred punishments for every visit from you. I should have warned you that this was gonna happen. But the way I was then, I don’t think I really processed how seeing that might affect you. It’s hardly the only time I killed a guard. I’m so sorry I didn’t think about your feelings.”

I feel myself begin to relax with relief. “You did. You didn’t want to kill him in front of me.”

“I hope you never have to see that side of me,” he whispers as he helps me up.

He guides me out of the gym and the others follow, leaving a polite distance. At the back of the group, Tony looks at Steve.

“He really does love her, doesn’t he?” he says.

Steve nods. 

“I’m starting to see why you are so loyal to him,” Tony concedes.

Steve looks at Tony in surprise.

“Look I’m not saying I want to vacation in Cabo with him, but I guess I’m finally seeing that human side of him. And I like Y/N a lot. I can see he’d do anything to protect her and I can appreciate that.”

Steve smiles. “I’m glad. I know letting him stay here was a huge emotional sacrifice for you. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

Tony clears his throat and straightens up. “Nope, you can’t. But you can try by making an appearance at Pepper’s cousin’s daughter’s birthday party on Saturday. She loves Captain America. More than Iron Man for reasons I can’t fathom. Three o’clock. Be there. Pepper will send you the details.” Tony smirks and claps Steve on the back.

“Sure thing, Tony,” Steve smiles and shakes his head. “Sure thing.”


	20. End of an Era

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one day! So close to the end. I'm happy and sad at the same time.

“Come in,” Tony calls and I walk into his office. 

“Elsa! Where’s your snowman this morning?” 

“Weak,” I snort. “I think you’re running out of material.”

“Not possible. What’s up?”

I step forward and drop a file on his desk. “What you, Bruce and I discussed. Thanks for all the dates and background info you guys gave me.”

Tony flips through the file. “Impressive. I’m really going to enjoy this.”

“I’m just sorry I don’t get to be the one to hand it to him. But you guys made a good point about not drawing his attention to myself.”

“Looks like I have a meeting to get to,” Tony says as he stands up. “Thanks for this. I’ll let you know how it goes tonight.”

***

I’m sitting out on the roof with my book while Bucky is training Natasha on some newly acquired weapons. I can’t focus on the words in front of my face though, so I finally set the book aside. I hear the door open and Steve steps out. 

“Mind some company?”

“Not at all.” I pat the seat next to me.

“You look like you’re having some intense thoughts,” Steve says curiously.

“Steve, I...there’s something you said before the mission that I haven’t been able to get out of my head. “

His brow furrows. “What did I say?”

“You said, ‘I can’t turn back time…’ you know, for Bucky. But in a way, I can. I’m watching him suffer in this fucking cell instead of doing something. What if I can help him?”

“Whoa, Y/N. We’ve talked about this. I mean, not THIS specifically, but the consequences of major changes to the timeline. He’s here with us now. He’s happy and healthy. You have helped him. More than I think you know.” Steve puts his hand on mine.

“But I go to this nightmare he lived over and over and then I leave. I leave him behind to suffer more. It just feels wrong to do that to someone I love.”

A throat clears behind us. “Hey,” Bucky says softly as he joins us, taking the seat across from me.

“I’m guessing you heard that, super soldier hearing and all,” I say.

“I did.” He reaches out and takes my hands. “And Steve’s right, doll. It’s too big of a change to the timeline. It’s too dangerous. If it’s not me, it’s gonna be someone else. For all we know, they would focus more on the other Winter Soldiers and there’d be several of me. As much as I’d love to believe that stopping me would save lives, that’s not how HYDRA works. Sure, maybe things would be better, but they could also get a whole lot worse.”

I try to fight the tears. “But you’re hurting so badly. I could help you.”

“I was, yes. But I’ve fought like hell to get where I am now. I know I have my rough days. I’ll never be the same guy I was in Brooklyn, but I’m here with my best friend and my best girl. I’m where I want to be.” Bucky gets up and moves to sit on the table right in front of me so he can cup my face.

“If you change the timeline, I won’t be here with you anymore. I don’t want to lose you,” Bucky says as he wipes the tears from my face.

“Am I worth 70 years of torture, Bucky? How can I keep leaving you behind in that hellhole?”

“Baby, believe me, I wish my path to you had been a better one. But I’ve already traveled it and I’m happy with the final destination. Maybe it’s time we both focus on now. You’ve given me so much. Stay here with me. No more trips to the past. Or my past anyway. It’s time to focus on our future, which I hope is a long one.”

“You don’t want me to visit you anymore?” I say sadly.

“I want you here with me now. You’ve done what you were meant to do for me. But the emotional toll is too much. I think this is meant to be the end of our time back then.”

“How can you know that?”

“It has to end sometime. Why not now? The truth is, you always looked like you do now. You never aged or even cut your hair. I’m meant to do this, to ask you stop and stay with me.” He smiles and strokes my cheek. 

“Are you sure, Bucky? I love you more than life itself. Losing you would break my heart, but you deserve a normal life,” I choke out.

“What’s normal? What I have now is pretty amazing. I love you.” He pulls me into a tight hug. Then he surprises Steve by grabbing him and pulling him into the hug. “I love you too, punk.”

“And I love you, jerk,” Steve replies, trying to sound light, but I hear the emotion in his voice.

“Now let’s go grab something to eat. I’m starving. Wanda was in the kitchen whipping something up. How does that sound?” Bucky says with a huge smile.

“Sounds amazing,” I reply. “I love family dinners.”

***

“So what brings you in today, Stark?” Ross asks drily. “Normally you’re making me chase you down.”

“I was hoping we could make some headway on the whole Barnes deal,” Tony replies.

“Is he here, prepared to turn himself in?”

“He is not here. As I’ve told you, I don’t know his whereabouts, however, I’m sure we can get him out of hiding once he can feel properly confident that the government isn’t just going to lock him up to never see the light of day again.”

“No deal, Stark. He turns himself in and we’ll work something out.”

“And does that “something” involve a raft in the middle of the ocean?” Tony slams the folder I gave him down on the desk. “You may want to take a look at this.”

Ross reaches out and grabs the file. As he flips each page, his face grows redder with rage. “Where the hell did you get all this?”

“Where did I get documents, memos, and photos that document your true involvement in the project that turned Banner into the Hulk? How did I find evidence that your screwups led to Emil Blonsky becoming the Abomination and raging through Harlem? How did I obtain copies of your daughter Betty’s journal detailing your refusal to be reasonable in dealing with the monster you helped create and almost killing her in the process? Where did I get ample documentation of all your dealings with Senator Stern, who would later turn out to be a high ranking member of HYDRA?”

“We did not know that Stern-” Ross yells, but Tony cuts him off.

“The public won’t care that you didn’t know about his HYDRA connections. They’ll just see you two looking like best buddies and creating weapons with Justin Hammer, who also turned out not be such a swell guy. You have an opportunity here. Those videos of Barnes being tortured have seriously swayed public opinion. You can recognize him as the POW that he was and make things right, and make yourself look good at the same time. You know better than anyone the importance of public perception. Isn’t that what those bullshit Accords were about?”

Ross glares at the file on his desk. “How long have you been hanging on to all this, waiting for an opportunity to screw me? Most of this was destroyed years ago.”

Tony stands and walks to the door. “I just received it this morning. That’s the truth. Think it over. You have my number.”

Tony’s phone rings before his helicopter lands back at the compound.


	21. Past and Future

“Just like that, Ross decided to play ball?” Steve asks suspiciously. 

“I thought you’d be happy about this?” Tony says rolling his eyes.

“I am...I just didn’t expect him to roll over so quickly,” Steve says, shaking his head as a smile begins to come over his face.

Bucky is still absorbing the good news. “Are you sure? No prosecution? No time served? No hearings? No nothing?”

Tony nods. “Nope. And they fully intend to recognize your status as a former prisoner of war. Hell, you’ll probably even be eligible for benefits and backpay.”

“I’m just gonna focus on the freedom part for now,” Bucky laughs.

“There will be a press conference this week to make all this public. You don’t reveal yourself until that’s been done and my lawyers have gone over every bit of the paperwork with a fine tooth comb,” Tony replies.

“How did you make this happen, Tony,” Natasha asks, tapping her fingers. “This is not the Ross I know.”

“Well…” Tony hesitates and glances at me for approval. I nod. “Our lovely Y/N here put her talents to use to gather some compelling information on some of Secretary Ross’s former dealings that he would much rather not be thrust into the spotlight.”

Bucky’s jaw drops and he turns to me. “What? You never said anything!”

“I wasn’t sure if it would work. I didn’t want to disappoint you if he didn’t go for it,” I say.

“A girl after my own heart,” Natasha nods approvingly. “What exactly did you do?”

“I just had Tony and Bruce fill me in on their former run ins with Ross, you know, help direct me to times and locations where I could dig for dirt, get into his office and what not. It was basically the best scavenger hunt of all time. I even tracked down his daughter and made copies of some stuff she’d written about his exploits.” At that I see a look of sadness cross Bruce’s face and he looks down at the table, so I quickly move on. “Most of what I found has been wiped by now."

“Thank you, baby,” Bucky says, looking at me softly. “I may just get to take you on a real date after all.”

“I have a non-update update,” Bruce says. We all turn to look at him. “So far all your testing is inconclusive. Blood is normal. No presence of any toxins or serums. There are anomalies in your DNA, but then again, we are all walking around with some anomalies, some which show outwardly and others that simply have yet to be defined in science. For now, the source of your ability will remain a mystery.”

I shrug. “Well, there you have it then. I guess that’s that. For now anyway.”

“You’re just my angel. Like I told you,” Bucky says, rubbing my knee. 

“Your angel? Oh man, aren’t you just one big pile of mush around --” Sam cuts off when Bucky shoots him a look that says he’s not afraid to throw him off another helicarrier.

Wanda grabs a couple bottles of wine from the counter. “I think we should all head to the roof for a celebration.”

“Cheers to that,” Tony agrees. “But I’m gonna take my bourbon.”

Even Vision takes part in the toast on roof. I look around at my new friends and realize just how comfortable and at home I’ve become. My gaze settles on Bucky, who is gesturing excitedly to Steve about some road trip he wants to take when the deal is settled. He’s never looked so relaxed and happy. I walk over and snuggle up beside him. He moves me in front of him and wraps his arms around my front. Steve smiles approvingly.

“I was just telling Steve about some of the places I’d like to visit with you and him once it’s safe for me to leave the compound,” he says, giving me a squeeze and leaning closer to my ear. 

“Anywhere you two want to go, I’m game,” I say, leaning back and giving him a peck on the chin.

“It’s a weird feeling,” he says, taking on a more serious tone. “To look forward to a future. I spent so long without a past or a future, it feels surreal. But finally, after all these decades, I’m exactly where I want to be.”

I turn around to embrace him. “We’re home, sweetheart. We’re home.”

***

I have just one thing left to do. Say goodbye. I suppose it’s more for me than anything because if I actually said it to him he wouldn’t understand. But I need closure with my beautiful soldier. One last moment of comfort. 

This time I don’t go to the usual facility. I find myself in a bank vault in Washington DC. I can hear the guards complaining to the doctors, in English this time.

“He’s erratic and unstable. Keep him locked up for now. We’ll put him in the chair when we get word Pierce is on the way.”

I find Bucky alone in a small room. He’s wearing his black uniform pants and nothing else. His hair hangs loosely around his face. He looks at me confused. “I know you,” he finally says.

“Yes, sweetie, you know me.”

“You’ve come to see me before?” It’s part statement, part question.

“Many times, my love.”

“They let you see me even though the mission failed,” he seems surprised. He sits on a metal chair in the corner. I approach him cautiously, until he holds out his arm to me. I take his hand and he pulls me into his lap.

“Do you know him?” he mumbles into my shirt.

“Who?” I reply, confused.

“The man on the bridge. Who was he?”

My heart skips. I take his face in my hands and look him in the eyes. “Someone who loves you very much. Just as much as I do.”

“I knew him,” Bucky nods in affirmation.

Down the hall I hear someone yell, “Pierce is almost here! Get the asset in the chair.”  
“Yes, Bucky. You know us and this nightmare is almost over.”

I see confusion battling recognition in his face at my strange words. “They are going to make me forget you,” he says with wet eyes. 

“No, sweetheart. You will never forget me. I will be waiting for you.” I cup his face and kiss him deeply. His lips move against mine desperately.

Before I go, I tell him one last thing. 

“Bucky, we are with you until the end of the line.”


	22. Not My Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter (sort of)! I can't believe it. However, I am working on an epilogue that I hope to have up later today. Thank you for all the amazing comments, kudos and bookmarks.

I’m stretched out on one of the chaise lounges on the roof reading a book, snuggled into Bucky under a blanket. He started out on the chair next to me but it didn’t take long for him to wriggle over, especially after he saw me shivering, even under my blanket. He has recently discovered podcasts and is listening to one about the space program. 

“Pretty soon it’s going to be too cold to sit up here at all,” he says pulling his earbuds out. 

“I know. It’s kind of a bummer.”

He nibbles at my ear and I giggle. “That’s okay,” he says. “The holidays are right around the corner. I’m looking forward to snuggling with you in front of the fireplace with hot cocoa, a big Christmas tree, the whole works.”

“Christmas? It’s only just about to be Halloween.”

“I know. I’m looking forward to it all-- Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year. I have a few decades to make up for celebration-wise.”

“Well in that case, we are going to do it up huge. Biggest tree you ever saw. And I’ll make you a Thanksgiving dinner to die for. Or I’ll get it catered. Yeah, let’s not kid ourselves. Catered. Either way, it will blow your mind.” I kiss his cheek. 

Bucky leans his head on my shoulder. “Christmas was always my favorite as a kid, but I’m really looking forward to New Year’s Eve. I wanna celebrate with my friends and kiss my girl at midnight. I get to start a new year free, truly free.”

I decide to talk to Tony and Steve as soon as possible. I’m already determined to make the upcoming holidays the best of all time. I abandon all pretenses of reading and throw my leg over Bucky and snuggle into his chest. He rubs my back lazily and kisses the top of my head every so often. Eventually the chill pervades the blanket in spite of Bucky’s extreme body heat. When I start to shiver, he stands abruptly and begins to carry me toward the door of the compound.

“I can walk, you know,” I say looping my arms around his neck. I pretend to bite his neck like a vampire.

“Nope. No escape for you. You’re mine tonight.”

He makes his way down the steps. When he reenters the main hallway, Sam is walking toward us.

“You two. Take a cold shower for crying out loud. I’m too young to see this.”

“I’m older than both of you put together, so deal with it.”

“But isn’t he the sexiest senior citizen you’ve ever seen?” I wink at Sam.

“I can HEAR you!,” Steve yells from the kitchen.

“Don’t worry, Steve. I’d say yes to an early bird dinner with you any day,” I hear Natasha remark.

“Then you can drive us around in your Buick,” Wanda adds.

“Don’t forget to ply him with Werther’s candies and fill the side pockets of the car with napkins,” Sam yells. 

“Don’t drop me!” I smack Bucky as he shakes with laughter.

He takes me to the kitchen and drops into a chair keeping me in his lap. “So strong,” I smirk. “Must be those Silver Sneakers classes you’ve been taking.”

“Boom! Y/N for the win!” Sam yells.

***

Bucky has a difficult time getting to sleep that night. As excited as he is about the deal for freedom, he’s also extremely anxious about revealing himself and dealing with public reaction. After three rounds in bed, he finally passes out and I fall asleep on top of him.  
I’m jerked awake in the near pitch blackness of the early morning hours. I feel myself almost violently tossed aside, and in my half-asleep state, I’m terrified. Bucky is screaming, sounds I’ve only heard him make while strapped to the chair. In my confused, weakened state, an old familiar feeling settles over me. Something I haven’t felt for more weeks than I can count. I’m separating, the sudden shock and fear hurtling me through time. 

I don’t even mean to release the string but I do because my brain is still struggling to process what is happening around me. I feel bitter cold biting through my thin pajamas. Snow whips around me and I look around at the mountainous terrain. Where the hell am I?

I hear voices and I peer around the rocks to see a group of men gathered near a ledge. They are familiar somehow. And then my gaze wanders to the two men standing slightly apart from the group, right on the edge while speaking to one another. When one of the other men gets their attention, they turn around and I see their faces. But I already know who they are. The shield on the one man’s back is unmistakable. Bucky has his hands sternly planted on his belt as he listens to the other Howling Commandos lay out the plan. He’s wearing the blue coat, the replica of which, now sits in the Smithsonian. The innocence I saw in that Brooklyn alley is gone, but he lacks the heaviness that is soon to come.

I realize with horror what day it is.

Steve nods and turns to take hold of the zip line. The wind whips around me as I take a step forward, my mind racing. I can stop this. I think. Can I? I’ve never intentionally tried to interfere like this. But I know what is about to happen. I can change it all. Save the love of my life, even if it means losing him. What will I return to? An empty bed? Will I even be with the Avengers? Will there be Avengers? What will happen to Steve? Will he still end up on ice in an effort save millions? I realize there is no answer to these questions.

Steve is flying across the canyon and Bucky steps forward to grab the handle. I open my mouth to scream, but the words catch in my throat. He told me he doesn’t want this. And then he’s gone, the wind carrying my whimpers away. I fall to my knees and watch the train disappear in the distance.

***

I return to the bedside. Bucky is still in the throes of a nightmare. I gather him in my arms and my tears drip onto his shirt. He wakes and looks around the room in confusion. Then he settles on my face with a look of utter relief. 

“It’s okay,” I tell him. “It was just a nightmare.”

He nods and wraps his arms around my waist. 

“I thought I lost you -- in my dream,” he mumbles into my stomach. I stroke his hair.

“Never,” I say softly. “I love you.

“I love you, too,” he says looking up at me. “My angel.”

 

He has new future. And it’s not mine to take away.


	23. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is. Thank you for all the love!
> 
> Update: if you enjoyed this story, please check out my separate work One Shots for Yesterday is Gone. The one shots will jump around to different scenes in their lives.

I’m in a park. It’s early fall and the leaves are just beginning to change. Two young boys run by me, in a mad dash for the single empty swing. 

“Everything okay?” Wanda asks.

“I think I’m good to go. I’m going to let go now.”

“You’re ready. We’ve been working on this for over a year now.”

I take a few more steps when a toddler runs into my legs. “I’m so sorry,” the mother apologizes and herds her away.

“No worries,” I assure her.

The park is busy, families and strollers dot the landscape in every direction. Joggers fly by me on the path. Cyclists call, “on your left” and whiz by. I continue to walk, taking in all the people.

There is a man several yards ahead of me. His back is strong and familiar, dark hair poking out from a black baseball cap. A little boy runs up to him yelling “Daddy!” The man picks him up and the boy giggles. There is a woman walking next to them. The man holds the child in his left arm effortlessly and puts his right arm around her. I follow them from several yards behind until she hesitates and nods at the man to go ahead. She pauses in the middle of the path and turns around to look right at me. Several yards remain between us. She puts her hand on her protuding stomach and nods at me. I’m frozen to the spot as I take in her face.

Then she smiles at me. I smile at me. Her mouth, my mouth moves carefully. “Happy.” She turns to look at Bucky who has made it to the playground. My eyes follow. He’s putting the little boy on the top of the slide.

“Happy,” I whisper.


End file.
